(Enter Lord Mountararat.)
LORD MOUNT. My Lord, I have much pleasure in announcing that
I have succeeded in inducing the young person to present herself at
the Bar of this House.
(Enter Phyllis.)
RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS.
My well-loved Lord and Guardian dear,
You summoned me, and I am here!
CHORUS OF PEERS.
Oh, rapture, how beautiful!
How gentle--how dutiful!
SOLO--LORD TOLLOLLER.
Of all the young ladies I know
This pretty young lady's the fairest;
Her lips have the rosiest show,
Her eyes are the richest and rarest.
Her origin's lowly, it's true,
But of birth and position I've plenty;
I've grammar and spelling for two,
And blood and behaviour for twenty!
Her origin's lowly, it's true,
I've grammar and spelling for two;
CHORUS. Of birth and position he's plenty,
With blood and behaviour for twenty!
SOLO--LORD MOUNTARARAT.
Though the views of the House have diverged
On every conceivable motion,
All questions of Party are merged
In a frenzy of love and devotion;
If you ask us distinctly to say
What Party we claim to belong to,
We reply, without doubt or delay,
The Party I'm singing this song to!
SOLO--PHYLLIS.
I'm very much pained to refuse,
But I'll stick to my pipes and my tabors;
I can spell all the words that I use,
And my grammar's as good as my neighbours'.
As for birth--I was born like the rest,
My behaviour is rustic but hearty,
And I know where to turn for the best,
When I want a particular Party!
PHYLLIS, LORD TOLL., and LORD MOUNT.
Though her station is none of the best,
I suppose she was born like the rest;
And she knows where to look for her hearty,
When she wants a particular Party!
RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS.
Nay, tempt me not.
To rank I'll not be bound;
In lowly cot
Alone is virtue found!
CHORUS. No, no; indeed high rank will never hurt you,
The Peerage is not destitute of virtue.
BALLAD--LORD TOLLOLLER.
Spurn not the nobly born
With love affected,
Nor treat with virtuous scorn
The well-connected.
High rank involves no shame--
We boast an equal claim
With him of humble name
To be respected!
Blue blood! blue blood!
When virtuous love is sought
Thy power is naught,
Though dating from the Flood,
Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!
CHORUS. When virtuous love is sought, etc.
Spare us the bitter pain
Of stern denials,
Nor with low-born disdain
Augment our trials.
Hearts just as pure and fair
May beat in Belgrave Square
As in the lowly air
Of Seven Dials!
Blue blood! blue blood!
Of what avail art thou
To serve us now?
Though dating from the Flood,
Blue blood! Ah, blue blood!
CHORUS. Of what avail art thou, etc.
RECITATIVE--PHYLLIS.
My Lords, it may not be.
With grief my heart is riven!
You waste your time on me,
For ah! my heart is given!
ALL. Given!
PHYL. Yes, given!
ALL. Oh, horror!!!
RECITATIVE--LORD CHANCELLOR.
And who has dared to brave our high displeasure,
And thus defy our definite command?
(Enter Strephon.)
STREPH. 'Tis I--young Strephon! mine this priceless treasure!
Against the world I claim my darling's hand!
(Phyllis rushes to his arms.)
A shepherd I--
ALL. A shepherd he!
STREPH. Of Arcady-
ALL. Of Arcadee!
STREPH. Betrothed are we!
ALL. Betrothed are they--
STREPH. And mean to be-
ALL. Espoused to-day!
ENSEMBLE.
STREPH. THE OTHERS.
A shepherd I A shepherd he
Of Arcady, Of Arcadee,
Betrothed are we, Betrothed is he,
And mean to be And means to be
Espoused to-day! Espoused to-day!
DUET--LORD MOUNTARARAT and LORD TOLLOLLER
(aside to each other).
'Neath this blow,
Worse than stab of dagger--
Though we mo-
Mentarily stagger,
In each heart
Proud are we innately--
Let's depart,
Dignified and stately!
ALL. Let's depart,
Dignified and stately!
CHORUS OF PEERS.
Though our hearts she's badly bruising,
In another suitor choosing,
Let's pretend it's most amusing.
Ha! ha! ha! Tan-ta-ra!
(Exeunt all the Peers, marching round stage with much dignity.
Lord Chancellor separates Phyllis from Strephon and orders her off.
She follows Peers. Manent Lord Chancellor and Strephon.)
LORD CH. Now, sir, what excuse have you to offer for having
disobeyed an order of the Court of Chancery?
STREPH. My Lord, I know no Courts of Chancery; I go by
Nature's Acts of Parliament. The bees--the breeze--the seas--the
rooks--the brooks--the gales--the vales--the fountains and the
mountains cry, "You love this maiden--take her, we command you!"
'Tis writ in heaven by the bright barbed dart that leaps forth into
lurid light from each grim thundercloud. The very rain pours forth
her sad and sodden sympathy! When chorused Nature bids me take my
love, shall I reply, "Nay, but a certain Chancellor forbids it"?
Sir, you are England's Lord High Chancellor, but are you Chancellor
of birds and trees, King of the winds and Prince of thunderclouds?
LORD CH. No. It's a nice point. I don't know that I ever
met it before. But my difficulty is that at present there's no
evidence before the Court that chorused Nature has interested
herself in the matter.
STREPH. No evidence! You have my word for it. I tell you
that she bade me take my love.
LORD CH. Ah! but, my good sir, you mustn't tell us what she
told you--it's not evidence. Now an affidavit from a thunderstorm,
or a few words on oath from a heavy shower, would meet with all the
attention they deserve.
STREPH. And have you the heart to apply the prosaic rules of
evidence to a case which bubbles over with poetical emotion?
LORD CH. Distinctly. I have always kept my duty strictly
before my eyes, and it is to that fact that I owe my advancement to
my present distinguished position.
SONG--LORD CHANCELLOR.
When I went to the Bar as a very young man,
(Said I to myself--said I),
I'll work on a new and original plan,
(Said I to myself--said I),
I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief
Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief,
Because his attorney has sent me a brief,
(Said I to myself--said I!).
Ere I go into court I will read my brief through
(Said I to myself--said I),
And I'll never take work I'm unable to do
(Said I to myself-said I),
My learned profession I'll never disgrace
By taking a fee with a grin on my face,
When I haven't been there to attend to the case
(Said I to myself--said I!).
I'll never throw dust in a juryman's eyes
(Said I to myself--said I),
Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise
(Said I to myself--said I),
Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force
In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce,
Have perjured themselves as a matter of course
(Said I to myself--said I!).
In other professions in which men engage
(Said I to myself said I),
The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage
(Said I to myself--said I),
Professional licence, if carried too far,
Your chance of promotion will certainly mar--
And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar
(Said I to myself--said I!).
(Exit Lord
Chancellor.)
(Enter Iolanthe)
STREPH. Oh, Phyllis, Phyllis! To be taken from you just as
I was on the point of making you my own! Oh, it's too much--it's
too much!
IOL. (to Strephon, who is in tears). My son in tears--and on
his wedding day!
STREPH. My wedding day! Oh, mother, weep with me, for the
Law has interposed between us, and the Lord Chancellor has
separated us for ever!
IOL. The Lord Chancellor! (Aside.) Oh, if he did but know!
STREPH. (overhearing her). If he did but know what?
IOL. No matter! The Lord Chancellor has no power over you.
Remember you are half a fairy. You can defy him--down to the
waist.
STREPH. Yes, but from the waist downwards he can commit me to
prison for years! Of what avail is it that my body is free, if my
legs are working out seven years' penal servitude?
IOL. True. But take heart--our Queen has promised you her
special protection. I'll go to her and lay your peculiar case
before her.
STREPH. My beloved mother! how can I repay the debt I owe
you?
FINALE--QUARTET.
(As it commences, the Peers appear at the back, advancing unseen
and on tiptoe. Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller lead Phyllis
between them, who listens in horror to what she hears.)
STREPH. (to Iolanthe). When darkly looms the day,
And all is dull and grey,
To chase the gloom away,
On thee I'll call!
PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Mountararat). What was that?
LORD MOUNT. (aside to Phyllis).
I think I heard him say,
That on a rainy day,
To while the time away,
On her he'd call!
CHORUS. We think we heard him say, etc.
(Phyllis much agitated at her lover's supposed faithlessness.)
IOL. (to Strephon). When tempests wreck thy bark,
And all is drear and dark,
If thou shouldst need an Ark,
I'll give thee one!
PHYL. (speaking aside to Lord Tolloller). What was that?
LORD TOLL. (aside to Phyllis).
I heard the minx remark,
She'd meet him after dark,
Inside St James's Park,
And give him one!
CHORUS. We heard the minx remark, etc.
PHYL. The prospect's very bad.
My heart so sore and sad
Will never more be glad
As summer's sun.
PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STREPH.
The prospect's not so bad,
My/Thy heart so sore and sad
May very soon be glad
As summer's sun;
PHYL., IOL., LORD TOLL., STEPH., LORD MOUNT.
For when the sky is dark
And tempests wreck his/thy/my bark,
he should
If thou shouldst need an Ark,
I should
She'll him
I'll give thee one!
me
PHYL. (revealing herself). Ah!
(Iolanthe and Strephon much confused.)
PHYL. Oh, shameless one, tremble!
Nay, do not endeavour
Thy fault to dissemble,
We part--and for ever!
I worshipped him blindly,
He worships another--
STREPH. Attend to me kindly,
This lady's my mother!
TOLL. This lady's his what?
STREPH. This lady's my mother!
TENORS. This lady's his what?
BASSES. He says she's his mother!
(They point derisively to Iolanthe, laughing heartily at her. She
goes for protection to Strephon.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor. Iolanthe veils herself.)
LORD CH. What means this mirth unseemly,
That shakes the listening earth?
LORD TOLL. The joke is good extremely,
And justifies our mirth.
LORD MOUNT. This gentleman is seen,
With a maid of seventeen,
A-taking of his dolce far niente;
And wonders he'd achieve,
For he asks us to believe
She's his mother--and he's nearly five-and-twenty!
LORD CH. (sternly). Recollect yourself, I pray,
And be careful what you say--
As the ancient Romans said, festina lente.
For I really do not see
How so young a girl could be
The mother of a man of five-and-twenty.
ALL. Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
STREPH. My Lord, of evidence I have no dearth--
She is--has been--my mother from my birth!
BALLAD.
In babyhood
Upon her lap I lay,
With infant food
She moistened my clay;
Had she withheld
The succour she supplied,
By hunger quelled,
Your Strephon might have died!
LORD CH. (much moved).
Had that refreshment been denied,
Indeed our Strephon might have died!
ALL (much affected).
Had that refreshment been denied,
Indeed our Strephon might have died!
LORD MOUNT. But as she's not
His mother, it appears,
Why weep these hot
Unnecessary tears?
And by what laws
Should we so joyously
Rejoice, because
Our Strephon did not die?
Oh rather let us pipe our eye
Because our Strephon did not die!
ALL. That's very true--let's pipe our eye
Because our Strephon did not die!
(All weep. Iolanthe, who has succeeded in hiding her face from
Lord Chancellor, escapes unnoticed.)
PHYL. Go, traitorous one--for ever we must part:
To one of you, my Lords, I give my heart!
ALL. Oh, rapture!
STREPH. Hear me, Phyllis, ere you leave me.
PHYL. Not a word--you did deceive me.
ALL. Not a word--you did deceive her.
(Exit
Strephon.)
BALLAD--PHYLLIS.
For riches and rank I do not long--
Their pleasures are false and vain;
I gave up the love of a lordly throng
For the love of a simple swain.
But now that simple swain's untrue,
With sorrowful heart I turn to you--
A heart that's aching,
Quaking, breaking,
As sorrowful hearts are wont to do!
The riches and rank that you befall
Are the only baits you use,
So the richest and rankiest of you all
My sorrowful heart shall choose.
As none are so noble--none so rich
As this couple of lords, I'll find a niche
In my heart that's aching,
Quaking, breaking,
For one of you two-and I don't care which!
ENSEMBLE.
PHYL. (to Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller).
To you I give my heart so rich!
ALL (puzzled). To which?
PHYL. I do not care!
To you I yield--it is my doom!
ALL. To whom?
PHYL. I'm not aware!
I'm yours for life if you but choose.
ALL. She's whose?
PHYL. That's your affair!
I'll be a countess, shall I not?
ALL. Of what?
PHYL. I do not care!
ALL. Lucky little lady!
Strephon's lot is shady;
Rank, it seems, is vital,
"Countess" is the title,
But of what I'm not aware!
(Enter Strephon.)
STREPH. Can I inactive see my fortune fade?
No, no!
PEERS. Ho, ho!
STREPH. Mighty protectress, hasten to my aid!
(Enter Fairies, tripping, headed by Celia, Leila, and Fleta, and
followed by Queen.)
CHORUS Tripping hither, tripping thither.
OF Nobody knows why or whither;
FAIRIES Why you want us we don't know,
But you've summoned us, and so
Enter all the little fairies
To their usual tripping measure!
To oblige you all our care is--
Tell us, pray, what is your pleasure!
STREPH. The lady of my love has caught me talking to another--
PEERS. Oh, fie! young Strephon is a rogue!
STREPH. I tell her very plainly that the lady is my mother--
PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
STREPH. She won't believe my statement, and declares we must be
parted,
Because on a career of double-dealing I have started,
Then gives her hand to one of these, and leaves me
broken-hearted--
PEERS. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
QUEEN. Ah, cruel ones, to separate two lovers from each other!
FAIRIES. Oh, fie! our Strephon's not a rogue!
QUEEN. You've done him an injustice, for the lady is his mother!
FAIRIES. Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
LORD CH. That fable perhaps may serve his turn as well as any
other.
(Aside.) I didn't see her face, but if they fondled one
another,
And she's but seventeen--I don't believe it was his
mother!
Taradiddle, taradiddle.
ALL. Tol lol lay!
LORD TOLL. I have often had a use
For a thorough-bred excuse
Of a sudden (which is English for "repente"),
But of all I ever heard
This is much the most absurd,
For she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!
ALL. Though she is seventeen, and he is four or
five-and-twenty!
Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!
LORD MOUNT. Now, listen, pray to me,
For this paradox will be
Carried, nobody at all contradicente.
Her age, upon the date
Of his birth, was minus eight,
If she's seventeen, and he is five-and-twenty!
PEERS and FAIRIES. If she is seventeen, and he is only
five-and-twenty.
ALL. To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly!
Oh, fie! our Strephon is a rogue!
Perhaps his brain is addled, and it's very melancholy!
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
I wouldn't say a word that could be reckoned as
injurious,
But to find a mother younger than her son is very
curious,
And that's a kind of mother that is usually spurious.
Taradiddle, taradiddle, tol lol lay!
LORD CH. Go away, madam;
I should say, madam,
You display, madam,
Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam,
To intrude, madam,
With your brood, madam,
Brazen-faced!
You come here, madam,
Interfere, madam,
With a peer, madam.
(I am one.)
You're aware, madam,
What you dare, madam,
So take care, madam,
And begone!
ENSEMBLE
FAIRIES (to QUEEN). PEERS
Let us stay, madam; Go away, madam;
I should say, madam, I should say, madam,
They display, madam, You display, madam,
Shocking taste. Shocking taste.
It is rude, madam, It is rude, madam,
To allude, madam, To intrude, madam,
To your brood, madam, With your brood, madam,
Brazen-faced! Brazen-faced!
We don't fear, madam, You come here, madam,
Any peer, madam, Interfere, madam,
Though, my dear madam, With a peer, madam,
This is one. (I am one.)
They will stare, madam, You're aware, madam,
When aware, madam, What you dare, madam,
What they dare, madam-- So take care, madam,
What they've done! And begone!
QUEEN. Bearded by these puny mortals!
(furious). I will launch from fairy portals
All the most terrific thunders
In my armoury of wonders!
PHYL. (aside). Should they launch terrific wonders,
All would then repent their blunders.
Surely these must be immortals.
(Exit
Phyllis.)
QUEEN. Oh! Chancellor unwary
It's highly necessary
Your tongue to teach
Respectful speech--
Your attitude to vary!
Your badinage so airy,
Your manner arbitrary,
Are out of place
When face to face
With an influential Fairy.
ALL THE PEERS We never knew
(aside). We were talking to
An influential Fairy!
LORD CH. A plague on this vagary,
I'm in a nice quandary!
Of hasty tone
With dames unknown
I ought to be more chary;
It seems that she's a fairy
From Andersen's library,
And I took her for
The proprietor
Of a Ladies' Seminary!
PEERS. We took her for
The proprietor
Of a Ladies' Seminary!
QUEEN. When next your Houses do assemble,
You may tremble!
CELIA. Our wrath, when gentlemen offend us,
Is tremendous!
LEILA. They meet, who underrate our calling,
Doom appalling!
QUEEN. Take down our sentence as we speak it,
And he shall wreak it!
(Indicating
Strephon.)
PEERS. Oh, spare us!
QUEEN. Henceforth, Strephon, cast away
Crooks and pipes and ribbons so gay--
Flocks and herds that bleat and low;
Into Parliament you shall go!
ALL. Into Parliament he shall go!
Backed by our supreme authority,
He'll command a large majority!
Into Parliament he shall go!
QUEEN. In the Parliamentary hive,
Liberal or Conservative--
Whig or Tory--I don't know--
But into Parliament you shall go!
ALL. Into Parliament, etc.
QUEEN (speaking through music).
Every bill and every measure
That may gratify his pleasure,
Though your fury it arouses,
Shall be passed by both your Houses!
PEERS. Oh!
QUEEN. You shall sit, if he sees reason,
Through the grouse and salmon season;
PEERS. No!
QUEEN. He shall end the cherished rights
You enjoy on Friday nights:
PEERS. No!
QUEEN. He shall prick that annual blister,
Marriage with deceased wife's sister:
PEERS. Mercy!
QUEEN. Titles shall ennoble, then,
All the Common Councilmen:
PEERS. Spare us!
QUEEN. Peers shall teem in Christendom,
And a Duke's exalted station
Be attainable by Com-
Petitive Examination!
PEERS. FAIRIES and PHYLLIS.
Oh, horror! Their horror
They can't dissemble
Nor hide the fear that makes them
tremble!
ENSEMBLE.
PEERS FAIRIES, PHYLLIS, and STREPHON.
Young Strephon is the kind of lout With Strephon for your foe, no
doubt,
We do not care a fig about! A fearful prospect opens out,
We cannot say And who shall say
What evils may What evils may
Result in consequence. Result in consequence?
But lordly vengeance will pursue A hideous vengeance will pursue
All kinds of common people who All noblemen who venture to
Oppose our views, Opppose his views,
Or boldly choose Or boldly choose
To offer us offence. To offer him offence.
He'd better fly at humbler game, 'Twill plunge them into grief
and shame;
Or our forbearance he must claim, His kind forbearance they must
claim,
If he'd escape If they'd escape
In any shape In any shape
A very painful wrench! A very painful wrench.
Your powers we dauntlessly pooh-pooh: Although our threats you
now pooh-pooh,
A dire revenge will fall on you. A dire revenge will fall on you,
If you besiege Should he besiege
Our high prestige-- Your high prestige--
(The word "prestige" is French). The word "prestige" is French).
PEERS. Our lordly style
You shall not quench
With base canaille!
FAIRIES. (That word is French.)
PEERS. Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs!
FAIRIES. (A Latin word.)
PEERS. 'Twould fill with joy,
And madness stark
The hoi polloi!
FAIRIES. (A Greek remark.)
PEERS. One Latin word, one Greek remark,
And one that's French.
FAIRIES. Your lordly style
We'll quickly quench
With base canaille!
PEERS. (That word is French.)
FAIRIES. Distinction ebbs
Before a herd
Of vulgar plebs!
PEERS. (A Latin word.)
FAIRIES. 'Twill fill with joy
And madness stark
The hoi polloi!
PEERS. (A Greek remark.)
FAIRIES. One Latin word, one Greek remark,
And one that's French.
PEERS. FAIRIES.
You needn't wait: We will not wait:
Away you fly! We go sky-high!
Your threatened hate Our threatened hate
We won't defy! You won't defy!
(Fairies threaten Peers with their wands. Peers kneel as begging
for merry. Phyllis implores Strephon to relent. He casts her from
him, and she falls fainting into the arms of Lord Mountararat and
Lord Tolloller.)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
Scene.--Palace Yard, Westminster. Westminster Hall, L. Clock
tower up, R.C. Private Willis discovered on sentry, R. Moonlight.
SONG--PRIVATE WILLIS.
When all night long a chap remains
On sentry-go, to chase monotony
He exercises of his brains,
That is, assuming that he's got any.
Though never nurtured in the lap
Of luxury, yet I admonish you,
I am an intellectual chap,
And think of things that would astonish you.
I often think it's comical--Fal, lal, la!
How Nature always does contrive--Fal, lal, la!
That every boy and every gal
That's born into the world alive
Is either a little Liberal
Or else a little Conservative!
Fal, lal, la!
When in that House M.P.'s divide,
If they've a brain and cerebellum, too,
They've got to leave that brain outside,
And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to.
But then the prospect of a lot
Of dull M. P.'s in close proximity,
All thinking for themselves, is what
No man can face with equanimity.
Then let's rejoice with loud Fal la--Fal la la!
That Nature always does contrive--Fal lal la!
That every boy and every gal
That's born into the world alive
Is either a little Liberal
Or else a little Conservative!
Fal lal la!
(Enter Fairies, with Celia, Leila, and Fleta. They trip round
stage.)
CHORUS OF FAIRIES.
Strephon's a Member of Parliament!
Carries every Bill he chooses.
To his measures all assent--
Showing that fairies have their uses.
Whigs and Tories
Dim their glories,
Giving an ear to all his stories--
Lords and Commons are both in the blues!
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
Shake in their shoes!
Shake in their shoes!
Strephon makes them shake in their shoes!
(Enter Peers from Westminster Hall.)
CHORUS OF PEERS.
Strephon's a Member of Parliament!
Running a-muck of all abuses.
His unqualified assent
Somehow nobody now refuses.
Whigs and Tories
Dim their glories,
Giving an ear to all his stories
Carrying every Bill he may wish:
Here's a pretty kettle of fish!
Kettle of fish!
Kettle of fish!
Here's a pretty kettle of fish!
(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller from Westminster Hall.)
CELIA. You seem annoyed.
LORD MOUNT. Annoyed! I should think so! Why, this
ridiculous protege of yours is playing the deuce with everything!
To-night is the second reading of his Bill to throw the Peerage
open to Competitive Examination!
LORD TOLL. And he'll carry it, too!
LORD MOUNT. Carry it? Of course he will! He's a
Parliamentary Pickford--he carries everything!
LEILA. Yes. If you please, that's our fault!
LORD MOUNT. The deuce it is!
CELIA. Yes; we influence the members, and compel them to vote
just as he wishes them to.
LEILA. It's our system. It shortens the debates.
LORD TOLL. Well, but think what it all means. I don't so
much mind for myself, but with a House of Peers with no
grandfathers worth mentioning, the country must go to the dogs!
LEILA. I suppose it must!
LORD MOUNT. I don't want to say a word against brains--I've
a great respect for brains--I often wish I had some myself--but
with a House of Peers composed exclusively of people of intellect,
what's to become of the House of Commons?
LEILA. I never thought of that!
LORD MOUNT. This comes of women interfering in politics. It
so happens that if there is an institution in Great Britain which
is not susceptible of any improvement at all, it is the House of
Peers!
SONG--LORD MOUNTARARAT.
When Britain really ruled the waves--
(In good Queen Bess's time)
The House of Peers made no pretence
To intellectual eminence,
Or scholarship sublime;
Yet Britain won her proudest bays
In good Queen Bess's glorious days!
CHORUS. Yes, Britain won, etc.
When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte,
As every child can tell,
The House of Peers, throughout the war,
Did nothing in particular,
And did it very well:
Yet Britain set the world ablaze
In good King George's glorious days!
CHORUS. Yes, Britain set, etc.
And while the House of Peers withholds
Its legislative hand,
And noble statesmen do not itch
To interfere with matters which
They do not understand,
As bright will shine Great Britain's rays
As in King George's glorious days!
CHORUS. As bright will shine, etc.
LEILA. (who has been much attracted by the Peers during this
song). Charming persons, are they not?
CELIA. Distinctly. For self-contained dignity, combined with
airy condescension, give me a British Representative Peer!
LORD TOLL. Then pray stop this protege of yours before it's
too late. Think of the mischief you're doing!
LEILA (crying). But we can't stop him now. (Aside to Celia.)
Aren't they lovely! (Aloud.) Oh, why did you go and defy us, you
great geese!
DUET--LEILA and CELIA.
LEILA. In vain to us you plead--
Don't go!
Your prayers we do not heed--
Don't go!
It's true we sigh,
But don't suppose
A tearful eye
Forgiveness shows.
Oh, no!
We're very cross indeed--
Yes, very cross,
Don't go!
FAIRIES. It's true we sigh, etc.
CELIA. Your disrespectful sneers--
Don't go!
Call forth indignant tears--
Don't go!
You break our laws--
You are our foe:
We cry because
We hate you so!
You know!
You very wicked Peers!
You wicked Peers!
Don't go!
FAIRIES. LORDS MOUNT. and TOLL.
You break our laws-- Our disrespectful sneers,
You are our foe: Ha, ha!
We cry because Call forth indignant tears,
We hate you so! Ha, ha!
You know! If that's the case, my dears--
You very wicked Peers! FAIRIES. Don't go!
Don't go! PEERS. We'll go!
(Exeunt Lord Mountararat, Lord Tolloller, and Peers. Fairies gaze
wistfully after them.)
(Enter Fairy Queen.)
QUEEN. Oh, shame--shame upon you! Is this your fidelity to
the laws you are bound to obey? Know ye not that it is death to
marry a mortal?
LEILA. Yes, but it's not death to wish to marry a mortal!
FLETA. If it were, you'd have to execute us all!
QUEEN. Oh, this is weakness! Subdue it!
CELIA. We know it's weakness, but the weakness is so strong!
LEILA. We are not all as tough as you are!
QUEEN. Tough! Do you suppose that I am insensible to the
effect of manly beauty? Look at that man! (Referring to Sentry.)
A perfect picture! (To Sentry.) Who are you, sir?
WILLIS (coming to "attention"). Private Willis, B Company,
1st Grenadier Guards.
QUEEN. You're a very fine fellow, sir.
WILLIS. I am generally admired.
QUEEN. I can quite understand it. (To Fairies.) Now here is
a man whose physical attributes are simply godlike. That man has
a most extraordinary effect upon me. If I yielded to a natural
impulse, I should fall down and worship that man. But I mortify
this inclination; I wrestle with it, and it lies beneath my feet!
That is how I treat my regard for that man!
SONG--FAIRY QUEEN.
Oh, foolish fay,
Think you, because
His brave array
My bosom thaws,
I'd disobey
Our fairy laws?
Because I fly
In realms above,
In tendency
To fall in love,
Resemble I
The amorous dove?
(Aside.) Oh, amorous dove!
Type of Ovidius Naso!
This heart of mine
Is soft as thine,
Although I dare not say so!
CHORUS. Oh, amorous dove, etc.
On fire that glows
With heat intense
I turn the hose
Of common sense,
And out it goes
At small expense!
We must maintain
Our fairy law;
That is the main
On which to draw--
In that we gain
A Captain Shaw!
(Aside.) Oh, Captain Shaw!
Type of true love kept under!
Could thy Brigade
With cold cascade
Quench my great love, I wonder!
CHORUS. Oh, Captain Shaw! etc.
(Exeunt Fairies and Fairy Queen, sorrowfully.)
(Enter Phyllis.)
PHYL. (half crying). I can't think why I'm not in better
spirits. I'm engaged to two noblemen at once. That ought to be
enough to make any girl happy. But I'm miserable! Don't suppose
it's because I care for Strephon, for I hate him! No girl could
care for a man who goes about with a mother considerably younger
than himself!
(Enter Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller.)
LORD MOUNT. Phyllis! My darling!
LORD TOLL. Phyllis! My own!
PHYL. Don't! How dare you? Oh, but perhaps you're the two
noblemen I'm engaged to?
LORD MOUNT. I am one of them.
LORD TOLL. I am the other.
PHYL. Oh, then, my darling! (to Lord Mountararat). My own!
(to Lord Tolloller). Well, have you settled which it's to be?
LORD TOLL. Not altogether. It's a difficult position. It
would be hardly delicate to toss up. On the whole we would rather
leave it to you.
PHYL. How can it possibly concern me? You are both EarIs,
and you are both rich, and you are both plain.
LORD MOUNT. So we are. At least I am.
LORD TOLL. So am I.
LORD MOUNT. No, no!
LORD TOLL. I am indeed. Very plain.
LORD MOUNT. Well, well--perhaps you are.
PHYL. There's really nothing to choose between you. If one
of you would forgo his title, and distribute his estates among his
Irish tenantry, why, then, I should then see a reason for accepting
the other.
LORD MOUNT. Tolloller, are you prepared to make this
sacrifice?
LORD TOLL. No!
LORD MOUNT. Not even to oblige a lady?
LORD TOLL. No! not even to oblige a lady.
LORD MOUNT. Then, the only question is, which of us shall
give way to the other? Perhaps, on the whole, she would be happier
with me. I don't know. I may be wrong.
LORD TOLL. No. I don't know that you are. I really believe
she would. But the awkward part of the thing is that if you rob me
of the girl of my heart, we must fight, and one of us must die.
It's a family tradition that I have sworn to respect. It's a
painful position, for I have a very strong regard for you, George.
LORD MOUNT. (much affected). My dear Thomas!
LORD TOLL. You are very dear to me, George. We were boys
together--at least I was. If I were to survive you, my existence
would be hopelessly embittered.
LORD MOUNT. Then, my dear Thomas, you must not do it. I say
it again and again--if it will have this effect upon you, you must
not do it. No, no. If one of us is to destroy the other, let it
be me!
LORD TOLL. No, no!
LORD MOUNT. Ah, yes!--by our boyish friendship I implore you!
LORD TOLL. (much moved). Well, well, be it so. But,
no--no!--I cannot consent to an act which would crush you with
unavaillng remorse.
LORD MOUNT. But it would not do so. I should be very sad at
first--oh, who would not be?--but it would wear off. I like you
very much--but not, perhaps, as much as you like me.
LORD TOLL. George, you're a noble fellow, but that tell-tale
tear betrays you. No, George; you are very fond of me, and I
cannot consent to give you a week's uneasiness on my account.
LORD MOUNT. But, dear Thomas, it would not last a week!
Remember, you lead the House of Lords! On your demise I shall take
your place! Oh, Thomas, it would not last a day!
PHYL. (coming down). Now, I do hope you're not going to fight
about me, because it's really not worth while.
LORD TOLL. (looking at her). Well, I don't believe it is!
LORD MOUNT. Nor I. The sacred ties of Friendship are
paramount.
QUARTET--LORD MOUNTARARAT,
LORD TOLLOLLER, PHYLLIS, and PRIVATE WILLIS.
LORD TOLL. Though p'r'aps I may incur your blame,
The things are few
I would not do
In Friendship's name!
LORD MOUNT. And I may say I think the same;
Not even love
Should rank above
True Friendship's name!
PHYL. Then free me, pray; be mine the blame;
Forget your craze
And go your ways
In Friendship's name!
ALL. Oh, many a man, in Friendship's name,
Has yielded fortune, rank, and fame!
But no one yet, in the world so wide,
Has yielded up a promised bride!
WILLIS. Accept, O Friendship, all the same,
ALL. This sacrifice to thy dear name!
(Exeunt Lord Mountararat and Lord Tolloller, lovingly, in one
direction, and Phyllis in another. Exit Sentry.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor, very miserable.)
RECITATIVE--LORD CHANCELLOR.
Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!
SONG--LORD CHANCELLOR.
When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is
taboo'd by anxiety,
I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in,
without impropriety;
For your brain is on fire--the bedclothes conspire of usual
slumber to plunder you:
First your counterpane goes, and uncovers your toes, and your
sheet slips demurely from under you;
Then the blanketing tickles--you feel like mixed pickles--so
terribly sharp is the pricking,
And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till
there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking.
Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you
pick 'em all up in a tangle;
Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its
usual angle!
Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot
eye-balls and head ever aching.
But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd
very much better be waking;
For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in
a steamer from Harwich--
Which is something between a large bathing machine and a very
small second-class carriage--
And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of
friends and relations--
They're a ravenous horde--and they all came on board at Sloane
Square and South Kensington Stations.
And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that
morning from Devon);
He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells
you he's only eleven.
Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the by,
the ship's now a four-wheeler),
And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when
you tell him that "ties pay the dealer";
But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find
you're as cold as an icicle,
In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks),
crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle:
And he and the crew are on bicycles too--which they've somehow or
other invested in--
And he's telling the tars all the particulars of a company he's
interested in--
It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices all goods from
cough mixtures to cables
(Which tickled the sailors), by treating retailers as though they
were all vegetables--
You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take
off his boots with a boot-tree),
And his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and
they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree--
From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea,
cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries,
While the pastrycook plant cherry brandy will grant, apple puffs,
and three corners, and Banburys--
The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild
and Baring,
And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder
despairing--
You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder
you snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and
pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for
your left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on
your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and
a thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been
sleeping in clover;
But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and the
night has been long--ditto ditto my song--and thank goodness
they're both of them over!
(Lord Chancellor falls exhausted on
a seat.)
(Enter Lords Mountararat and Tolloller.)
LORD MOUNT. I am much distressed to see your Lordship in this
condition.
LORD CH. Ah, my Lords, it is seldom that a Lord Chancellor
has reason to envy the position of another, but I am free to
confess that I would rather be two Earls engaged to Phyllis than
any other half-dozen noblemen upon the face of the globe.
LORD TOLL. (without enthusiasm). Yes. It's an enviable
position when you're the only one.
LORD MOUNT. Oh yes, no doubt--most enviable. At the same
time, seeing you thus, we naturally say to ourselves, "This is very
sad. His Lordship is constitutionally as blithe as a bird--he
trills upon the bench like a thing of song and gladness. His
series of judgements in F sharp minor, given andante in six-eight
time, are among the most remarkable effects ever produced in a
Court of Chancery. He is, perhaps, the only living instance of a
judge whose decrees have received the honour of a double encore.
How can we bring ourselves to do that which will deprive the Court
of Chancery of one of its most attractive features?"
LORD CH. I feel the force of your remarks, but I am here in
two capacities, and they clash, my Lords, they clash! I deeply
grieve to say that in declining to entertain my last application to
myself, I presumed to address myself in terms which render it
impossible for me ever to apply to myself again. It was a most
painful scene, my Lords--most painful!
LORD TOLL. This is what it is to have two capacities! Let us
be thankful that we are persons of no capacity whatever.
LORD MOUNT. Come, come. Remember you are a very just and
kindly old gentleman, and you need have no hesitation in
approaching yourself, so that you do so respectfully and with a
proper show of deference.
LORD CH. Do you really think so?
LORD MOUNT. I do.
LORD CH. Well, I will nerve myself to another effort, and,
if that fails, I resign myself to my fate!
TRIO--LORD CHANCELLOR, LORDS MOUNTARARAT and TOLLOLLER.
LORD MOUNT. If you go in
You're sure to win--
Yours will be the charming maidie:
Be your law
The ancient saw,
"Faint heart never won fair lady!"
ALL. Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
Every journey has an end--
When at the worst affairs will mend--
Dark the dawn when day is nigh--
Hustle your horse and don't say die!
LORD TOLL. He who shies
At such a prize
Is not worth a maravedi,
Be so kind
To bear in mind--
Faint heart never won fair lady!
ALL. Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
While the sun shines make your hay--
Where a will is, there's a way--
Beard the lion in his lair--
None but the brave deserve the fair!
LORD CH. I'll take heart
And make a start--
Though I fear the prospect's shady--
Much I'd spend
To gain my end--
Faint heart never won fair lady!
ALL. Never, never, never,
Faint heart never won fair lady!
Nothing venture, nothing win--
Blood is thick, but water's thin--
In for a penny, in for a pound--
It's Love that makes the world go round!
(Dance, and exeunt arm-in-arm
together.)
(Enter Strephon, in very low spirits.)
[The following song was deleted from production]
Fold your flapping wings,
Soaring legislature.
Stoop to little things,
Stoop to human nature.
Never need to roam
members patriotic.
Let's begin at home,
Crime is no exotic.
Bitter is your bane
Terrible your trials
Dingy Drury Lane
Soapless Seven Dials.
Take a tipsy lout
Gathered from the gutter,
Hustle him about,
Strap him to a shutter.
What am I but he,
Washed at hours stated.
Fed on filagree,
Clothed and educated
He's a mark of scorn
I might be another
If I had been born
Of a tipsy mother.
Take a wretched thief,
Through the city sneaking.
Pocket handkerchief
Ever, ever seeking.
What is he but I
Robbed of all my chances
Picking pockets by
force of circumstances
I might be as bad,
As unlucky, rather,
If I'd only had,
Fagin for a father.
STREPH. I suppose one ought to enjoy oneself in Parliament,
when one leads both Parties, as I do! But I'm miserable, poor,
broken-hearted fool that I am! Oh Phyllis, Phyllis!--
(Enter Phyllis.)
PHYL. Yes.
STREPH. (surprised). Phyllis! But I suppose I should say "My
Lady." I have not yet been informed which title your ladyship has
pleased to select?
PHYL. I--I haven't quite decided. You see, I have no mother
to advise me!
STREPH. No. I have.
PHYL. Yes; a young mother.
STREPH. Not very--a couple of centuries or so.
PHYL. Oh! She wears well.
STREPH. She does. She's a fairy.
PHYL. I beg your pardon--a what?
STREPH. Oh, I've no longer any reason to conceal the
fact--she's a fairy.
PHYL. A fairy! Well, but--that would account for a good many
things! Then--I suppose you're a fairy?
STREPH. I'm half a fairy.
PHYL. Which half?
STREPH. The upper half--down to the waistcoat.
PHYL. Dear me! (Prodding him with her fingers.) There is
nothing to show it!
STREPH. Don't do that.
PHYL. But why didn't you tell me this before?
STREPH. I thought you would take a dislike to me. But as
it's all off, you may as well know the truth--I'm only half a
mortal!
PHYL. (crying). But I'd rather have half a mortal I do love,
than half a dozen I don't!
STREPH. Oh, I think not--go to your half-dozen.
PHYL. (crying). It's only two! and I hate 'em! Please
forgive me!
STREPH. I don't think I ought to. Besides, all sorts of
difficulties will arise. You know, my grandmother looks quite as
young as my mother. So do all my aunts.
PHYL. I quite understand. Whenever I see you kissing a very
young lady, I shall know it's an elderly relative.
STREPH. You will? Then, Phyllis, I think we shall be very
happy! (Embracing her.)
PHYL. We won't wait long.
STREPH. No. We might change our minds. We'll get married
first.
PHYL. And change our minds afterwards?
STREPH. That's the usual course.
DUET--STREPHON and PHYLLIS.
STREPH. If we're weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
Of the feeling I inspire
You may tire
By and by.
For peers with flowing coffers
Press their offers--
That is why
I am sure we should not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I!
PHYL. If we're weak enough to tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I,
With a more attractive maiden,
Jewel-laden,
You may fly.
If by chance we should be parted,
Broken-hearted
I should die--
So I think we will not tarry
Ere we marry,
You and I.
PHYL. But does your mother know you're--I mean, is she aware
of our engagement?
(Enter Iolanthe.)
IOL. She is; and thus she welcomes her daughter-in-law!
(Kisses her.)
PHYL. She kisses just like other people! But the Lord
Chancellor?
STREPH. I forgot him! Mother, none can resist your fairy
eloquence; you will go to him and plead for us?
IOL. (much agitated). No, no; impossible!
STREPH. But our happiness--our very lives--depend upon our
obtaining his consent!
PHYL. Oh, madam, you cannot refuse to do this!
IOL. You know not what you ask! The Lord Chancellor is--my
husband!
STREPH. and PHYL. Your husband!
IOL. My husband and your father! (Addressing Strephon, who
is much moved.)
PHYLL. Then our course is plain; on his learning that
Strephon is his son, all objection to our marriage will be at once
removed!
IOL. No; he must never know! He believes me to have died
childless, and, dearly as I love him, I am bound, under penalty of
death, not to undeceive him. But see--he comes! Quick--my veil!
(Iolanthe veils herself. Strephon and Phyllis go off on tiptoe.)
(Enter Lord Chancellor.)
LORD CH. Victory! Victory! Success has crowned my efforts,
and I may consider myself engaged to Phyllis! At first I wouldn't
hear of it--it was out of the question. But I took heart. I
pointed out to myself that I was no stranger to myself; that, in
point of fact, I had been personally acquainted with myself for
some years. This had its effect. I admitted that I had watched my
professional advancement with considerable interest, and I
handsomely added that I yielded to no one in admiration for my
private and professional virtues. This was a great point gained.
I then endeavoured to work upon my feelings. Conceive my joy when
I distinctly perceived a tear glistening in my own eye!
Eventually, after a severe struggle with myself, I
reluctantly--most reluctantly--consented.
(Iolanthe comes down
veiled.)
RECITATIVE--IOLANTHE (kneeling).
My lord, a suppliant at your feet I kneel,
Oh, listen to a mother's fond appeal!
Hear me to-night! I come in urgent need--
'Tis for my son, young Strephon, that I plead!
BALLAD--IOLANTHE.
He loves! If in the bygone years
Thine eyes have ever shed
Tears--bitter, unavailing tears,
For one untimely dead--
If, in the eventide of life,
Sad thoughts of her arise,
Then let the memory of thy wife
Plead for my boy--he dies!
He dies! If fondly laid aside
In some old cabinet,
Memorials of thy long-dead bride
Lie, dearly treasured yet,
Then let her hallowed bridal dress--
Her little dainty gloves--
Her withered flowers--her faded tress--
Plead for my boy--he loves!
(The Lord Chancellor is moved by this appeal. After a pause.)
LORD CH. It may not be--for so the fates decide!
Learn thou that Phyllis is my promised bride.
IOL. (in horror). Thy bride! No! no!
LORD CH. It shall be so!
Those who would separate us woe betide!
IOL. My doom thy lips have spoken--
I plead in vain!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
IOL. A vow already broken
I break again!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Forbear! forbear!
IOL. For him--for her--for thee
I yield my life.
Behold--it may not be!
I am thy wife.
CHORUS OF FAIRIES (without). Aiaiah! Aiaiah! Willaloo!
LORD CH. (recognizing her). Iolanthe! thou livest?
IOL. Aye!
I live! Now let me die!
(Enter Fairy Queen and Fairies. Iolanthe kneels to her.)
QUEEN. Once again thy vows are broken:
Thou thyself thy doom hast spoken!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah!
Willahalah! Willaloo!
Willahalah! Willaloo!
QUEEN. Bow thy head to Destiny:
Death thy doom, and thou shalt die!
CHORUS OF FAIRIES. Aiaiah! Aiaiah! etc.
(Peers and Sentry enter. The Queen raises her spear.)
LEILA. Hold! If Iolanthe must die, so must we all; for, as
she has sinned, so have we!
QUEEN. What?
CELIA. We are all fairy duchesses, marchionesses, countesses,
viscountesses, and baronesses.
LORD MOUNT. It's our fault. They couldn't help themselves.
QUEEN. It seems they have helped themselves, and pretty
freely, too! (After a pause.) You have all incurred death; but I
can't slaughter the whole company! And yet (unfolding a scroll)
the law is clear--every fairy must die who marries a mortal!
LORD CH. Allow me, as an old Equity draftsman, to make a
suggestion. The subtleties of the legal mind are equal to the
emergency. The thing is really quite simple--the insertion of a
single word will do it. Let it stand that every fairy shall die
who doesn't marry a mortal, and there you are, out of your
difficulty at once!
QUEEN. We like your humour. Very well! (Altering the MS. in
pencil.) Private Willis!
SENTRY (coming forward). Ma'am!
QUEEN. To save my life, it is necessary that I marry at once.
How should you like to be a fairy guardsman?
SENTRY. Well, ma'am, I don't think much of the British
soldier who wouldn't ill-convenience himself to save a female in
distress.
QUEEN. You are a brave fellow. You're a fairy from this
moment. (Wings spring from Sentry's shoulders.) And you, my
Lords, how say you, will you join our ranks?
(Fairies kneel to Peers and implore them to
do so.)
(Phyllis and Strephon enter.)
LORD MOUNT. (to Lord Tolloller). Well, now that the Peers are
to be recruited entirely from persons of intelligence, I really
don't see what use we are, down here, do you, Tolloller?
LORD TOLL. None whatever.
QUEEN. Good! (Wings spring from shoulders of Peers.) Then
away we go to Fairyland.
FINALE.
PHYL. Soon as we may,
Off and away!
We'll commence our journey airy--
Happy are we--
As you can see,
Every one is now a fairy!
ALL. Every, every, every,
Every one is now a fairy!
IOL., QUEEN, Though as a general rule we know
and PHYL. Two strings go to every bow,
Make up your minds that grief 'twill bring
If you've two beaux to every string.
ALL. Though as a general rule, etc.
LORDCH. Up in the sky,
Ever so high,
Pleasures come in endless series;
We will arrange
Happy exchange--
House of Peers for House of Peris!
ALL. Peris, Peris, Peris,
House of Peers for House of Peris!
LORDS CH., Up in the air, sky-high, sky-high,
MOUNT., Free from Wards in Chancery,
and TOLL. I/He will be surely happier, for
I'm/He's such a susceptible Chancellor.
ALL. Up in the air, etc.
CURTAIN
THE MIKADO
OR
THE TOWN OF TITIPU
By William S. Gilbert
Music by Sir Arthur Sullivan
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
THE MIKADO OF JAPAN.
NANKI-POO (his Son, disguised as a wandering minstrel, and in
love with Yum-Yum).
KO-KO (Lord High Executioner of Titipu).
POOH-BAH (Lord High Everything Else).
PISH-TISH (a Noble Lord).
Three Sisters--Wards of Ko-Ko:
YUM-YUM
PITTI-SING
PEEP-BO
KATISHA (an elderly Lady, in love with Nanki-Poo).
Chorus of School-girls, Nobles, Guards, and Coolies.
ACT I.--Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Official Residence.
ACT II.-- Ko-Ko's Garden
First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 14, 1885.
ACT I.
SCENE.--Courtyard of Ko-Ko's Palace in Titipu. Japanese nobles
discovered standing and sitting in attitudes suggested by
native drawings.
CHORUS OF NOBLES.
If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of Japan:
On many a vase and jar--
On many a screen and fan,
We figure in lively paint:
Our attitude's queer and quaint--
You're wrong if you think it ain't, oh!
If you think we are worked by strings,
Like a Japanese marionette,
You don't understand these things:
It is simply Court etiquette.
Perhaps you suppose this throng
Can't keep it up all day long?
If that's your idea, you're wrong, oh!
Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement. He carries a native guitar
on his back and a bundle of ballads in his hand.
RECIT.--NANKI-POO.
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me
Where a gentle maiden dwelleth,
Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko?
In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!
A NOBLE. Why, who are you who ask this question?
NANK. Come gather round me, and I'll tell you.
SONG and CHORUS--NANKI-POO.
A wandering minstrel I--
A thing of shreds and patches,
Of ballads, songs and snatches,
And dreamy lullaby!
My catalogue is long,
Through every passion ranging,
And to your humours changing
I tune my supple song!
Are you in sentimental mood?
I'll sigh with you,
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
On maiden's coldness do you brood?
I'll do so, too--
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
I'll charm your willing ears
With songs of lovers' fears,
While sympathetic tears
My cheeks bedew--
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
But if patriotic sentiment is wanted,
I've patriotic ballads cut and dried;
For where'er our country's banner may be planted,
All other local banners are defied!
Our warriors, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail--or they conceal it if they do--
And I shouldn't be surprised if nations trembled
Before the mighty troops of Titipu!
CHORUS. We shouldn't be surprised, etc.
NANK. And if you call for a song of the sea,
We'll heave the capstan round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the wind is free,
Her anchor's a-trip and her helm's a-lee,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
CHORUS. Yeo-ho--heave ho--
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
To lay aloft in a howling breeze
May tickle a landsman's taste,
But the happiest hour a sailor sees
Is when he's down
At an inland town,
With his Nancy on his knees, yeo ho!
And his arm around her waist!
CHORUS. Then man the capstan--off we go,
As the fiddler swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a rum below,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
A wandering minstrel I, etc.
Enter Pish-Tush.
PISH. And what may be your business with Yum-Yum?
NANK. I'll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the
Titipu town band. It was my duty to take the cap round for
contributions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw
Yum-Yum. We loved each other at once, but she was betrothed to
her guardian Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit was
hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted the town. Judge
of my delight when I heard, a month ago, that Ko-Ko had been con-
demned to death for flirting! I hurried back at once, in the
hope of finding Yum-Yum at liberty to listen to my protestations.
PISH. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for
flirting, but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to
the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following
remarkable circumstances:
SONG--PISH-TUSH and CHORUS.
Our great Mikado, virtuous man,
When he to rule our land began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young men might best be steadied.
So he decreed, in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered or winked
(Unless connubially linked),
Should forthwith be beheaded.
And I expect you'll all agree
That he was right to so decree.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be!
CHORUS. And you are right.
And we are right, etc
This stem decree, you'll understand,
Caused great dismay throughout the land!
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye,
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh,
Was thereupon condemned to die--
He usually objected.
And you'll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct!
CHORUS. And you are right,
And we are right, etc.
And so we straight let out on bail
A convict from the county jail,
Whose head was next
On some pretext
Condemned to be mown off,
And made him Headsman, for we said,
"Who's next to be decapited
Cannot cut off another's head
Until he's cut his own off."
And we are right, I think you'll say,
To argue in this kind of way;
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right--too-looral-lay!
CHORUS. And you are right,
And we are right, etc.
[Exeunt
Chorus.
Enter Pooh-Bah.
NANK. Ko-Ko, the cheap tailor, Lord High Executioner of
Titipu! Why, that's the highest rank a citizen can attain!
POOH. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no moral
difference between the dignified judge who condemns a criminal to
die, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence,
has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his
own executioner.
NANK. But how good of you (for I see that you are a
nobleman of the highest rank) to condescend to tell all this to
me, a mere strolling minstrel!
POOH. Don't mention it. I am, in point of fact, a
particularly haughty and exclusive person, of pre-Adamite
ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that
I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But I
struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride
continually. When all the great officers of State resigned in a
body because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did
I not unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once?
PISH. And the salaries attached to them? You did.
POOH. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this
upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice,
Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds,
Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor,
both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A
Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do
it! It revolts me, but I do it!
NANK. And it does you credit.
POOH. But I don't stop at that. I go and dine with
middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap
suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any
hands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low
figure. For instance, any further information about Yum-Yum
would come under the head of a State secret. (Nanki-Poo takes his
hint, and gives him money.) (Aside.) Another insult and, I
think, a light one!
SONG--POOH-BAH with NANKI-POO and PISH-TUSH.
Young man, despair,
Likewise go to,
Yum-Yum the fair
You must not woo.
It will not do:
I'm sorry for you,
You very imperfect ablutioner!
This very day
From school Yum-Yum
Will wend her way,
And homeward come,
With beat of drum
And a rum-tum-tum,
To wed the Lord High executioner!
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they'll cut a dash
On their wedding day.
She'll toddle away, as all aver,
With the Lord High Executioner '
NANK. and POOH. And the brass will crash, etc.
It's a hopeless case,
As you may see,
And in your place
Away I'd flee;
But don't blame me--
I'm sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner.
They'll vow their pact
Extremely soon,
In point of fact
This afternoon.
Her honeymoon
With that buffoon
At seven commences, so you shun her!
ALL. And the brass will crash, etc.
[Exit
Pish-Tush.
RECIT.--NANKI-POO and POOH-BAH.
NANK. And I have journeyed for a month, or nearly,
To learn that Yum-Yum, whom I love so dearly,
This day to Ko-Ko is to be united!
POOH. The fact appears to be as you've recited:
But here he comes, equipped as suits his station;
He'll give you any further information.
[Exeunt Pooh-Bah and
Nanki-Poo.
Enter Chorus of Nobles.
Behold the Lord High Executioner
A personage of noble rank and title--
A dignified and potent officer,
Whose functions are particularly vital!
Defer, defer,
To the Lord High Executioner!
Enter Ko-Ko attended.
SOLO--KO-KO.
Taken from the county jail
By a set of curious chances;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances;
Wafted by a favouring gale
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances;
Surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances.
CHORUS. Defer, defer,
To the Lord High Executioner, etc.
KO. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can
only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a
continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to
deserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally,
I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding
plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at
large.
SONG--KO-KO with CHORUS OF MEN.
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs--
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs--
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat--
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like
that--
And all third persons who on spoiling tte--ttes insist--
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of
'em be missed.
There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist--I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed--they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to
try";
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist--
I don't think she'd be missed--I'm sure she'd not he missed!
CHORUS. He's got her on the list--he's got her on the list;
And I don't think she'll be missed--I'm sure
she'll not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist--I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life--
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as--What d'ye call him--Thing'em-bob, and
likewise--Never-mind,
And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who--
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be
missed!
CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the
list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of
'em be missed!
Enter Pooh-Bah.
KO. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection
with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should like to
do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I
ought to spend upon them.
POOH. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord
of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellor
of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?
KO. Suppose we say as Private Secretary.
POOH. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say
that, as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself,
do it well.
KO. Exactly--as the city will have to pay for it. That is
your advice.
POOH. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand
that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due
economy is observed.
KO. Oh! But you said just now "Don't stint yourself, do it
well".
POOH. As Private Secretary.
KO. And now you say that due economy must be observed.
POOH. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.
KO. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear
us. (They cross the stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you
advise me to deal with this difficulty?
POOH. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in
saying "Chance it----"
KO. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will.
POOH. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am
bound to see that the law isn't violated.
KO. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't
hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of
the Treasury?
POOH. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could
propose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were
not that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to
resist it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster General, I could so
cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never
discover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would
be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own
custody as first Commissioner of Police.
KO. That's extremely awkward.
POOH. I don't say that all these distinguished people
couldn't be squared; but it is right to tell you that they
wouldn't be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless
they were insulted with a very considerable bribe.
KO. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my
bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on your
part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Japanese
attitude, would be esteemed a favour.
POOH. No money, no grovel!
[Exeunt
together.
Enter procession of Yum-Yum's schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum,
Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Comes a train of little ladies
From scholastic trammels free,
Each a little bit afraid is,
Wondering what the world can be!
Is it but a world of trouble--
Sadness set to song?
Is its beauty but a bubble
Bound to break ere long?
Are its palaces and pleasures
Fantasies that fade?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,
From scholastic trammels free,
And we wonder--how we wonder!--
What on earth the world can be!
TRIO.
YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING, with CHORUS OF GIRLS.
THE THREE. Three little maids from school are we,
Pert as a school-girl well can be,
Filled to the brim with girlish glee,
Three little maids from school!
YUM-YUM. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.)
PEEP-BO. Nobody's safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle.)
PITTI-SING. Life is a joke that's just begun! (Chuckle.)
THE THREE. Three little maids from school!
ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies' seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary--
THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!
YUM-YUM. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum--
PEEP-BO. Two little maids in attendance come--
PITTI-SING. Three little maids is the total sum.
THE THREE. Three little maids from school!
YUM-YUM. From three little maids take one away.
PEEP-BO. Two little maids remain, and they--
PITTI-SING. Won't have to wait very long, they say--
THE THREE. Three little maids from school!
ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies' seminary,
Freed from its genius tutelary--
THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!
Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah.
KO. At last, my bride that is to be! (About to embrace
her.)
YUM. You're not going to kiss me before all these people?
KO. Well, that was the idea.
YUM (aside to Peep-Bo). It seems odd, doesn't it?
PEEP. It's rather peculiar.
PITTI. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning,
you know.
YUM. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; but
I've no objection if it's usual.
KO. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain?
(Appealing to Pooh-Bah.)
POOH. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.)
YUM. Thank goodness that's over! (Sees Nanki-Poo, and
rushes to him.) Why, that's never you? (The three Girls rush to
him and shake his hands, all speaking at once.)
YUM. Oh, I'm so glad! I haven't seen you for ever so long,
and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got three
prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any
more!
PEEP. And have you got an engagement?--Yum-Yum's got one,
but she doesn't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it was
you! I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more!
PITTI. Now tell us all the news, because you go about
everywhere, and we've been at school, but, thank goodness, that's
all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're not going
back any more!
(These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.)
KO. I beg your pardon. Will you present me?
YUM. Oh, this is the musician who used--
PEEP. Oh, this is the gentleman-who used--
PITTI. Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used--
KO. One at a time, if you please.
YUM. Oh, if you please he's the gentleman who used to play
so beautifully on the--on the--
PITTI. On the Marine Parade.
YUM. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument.
NANK. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward,
Yum-Yum--oh, I know I deserve your anger!
KO. Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself.
Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking
little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed by
a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. (To
Pish-Tush.) Take him away. (Pish-Tush removes him.)
PITTI (who has been examining Pooh-Bah). I beg your pardon,
but what is this? Customer come to try on?
KO. That is a Tremendous Swell.
PITTI. Oh, it's alive. (She starts back in alarm.)
POOH. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls
like you. Go away, there's dears.
KO. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my three
wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.
POOH. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I will not
kiss them.
KO. No, no, you shan't kiss them; a little bow--a mere
nothing--you needn't mean it, you know.
POOH. It goes against the grain. They are not young
ladies, they are young persons.
KO. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good nobleman.
POOH. (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. (with a
great effort.) How de do, little girls, how de do? (Aside.)
Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor!
KO. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed
laughter.)
POOH. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me
to have to say "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to young
persons. I'm not in the habit of saying "How de do, little
girls, how de do?" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker.
KO. (aside to girls). Don't laugh at him, he can't help
it--he's under treatment for it. (Aside to Pooh-Bah.) Never mind
them, they don't understand the delicacy of your position.
POOH. We know how delicate it is, don't we?
KO. I should think we did! How a nobleman of your
importance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall
understand.
[Ko-Ko retires and
goes off.
QUARTET AND CHORUS OF GIRLS.
YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.
YUM, PEEP. So please you, Sir, we much regret
and PITTI. If we have failed in etiquette
Towards a man of rank so high--
We shall know better by and by.
YUM. But youth, of course, must have its fling,
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
PITTI. And don't, in girlhood's happy spring,
Be hard on us,
Be hard on us,
If we're inclined to dance and sing.
Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)
CHORUS OF GIRLS. But youth, of course, etc.
POOH. I think you ought to recollect
You cannot show too much respect
Towards the highly titled few;
But nobody does, and why should you?
That youth at us should have its fling,
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us;
To our prerogative we cling--
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
If we decline to dance and sing.
Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)
CHORUS OF GIRLS.. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.
[Exeunt all but
Yum-Yum.
Enter Nanki-Poo.
NANK. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone! I have sought you
night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian
was beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to him
this afternoon!
YUM. Alas, yes!
NANK. But you do not love him?
YUM. Alas, no!
NANK. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse him?
YUM. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and he
wouldn't let me marry you!
NANK. But I would wait until you were of age!
YUM. You forget that in Japan girls do not arrive at years
of discretion until they are fifty.
NANK. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered
years of indiscretion.
YUM. Besides--a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind
instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for
the ward of a Lord High Executioner.
NANK. But---- (Aside.) Shall I tell her? Yes! She will
not betray me! (Aloud.) What if it should prove that, after
all, I am no musician?
YUM. There! I was certain of it, directly I heard you
play!
NANK. What if it should prove that I am no other than the
son of his Majesty the Mikado?
YUM. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness
disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will your
Highness promise never to do it again?
NANK. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate
Katisha, an elderly lady of my father's Court. She misconstrued
my customary affability into expressions of affection, and
claimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My father, the
Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to marry her within
a week, or perish ignominiously on the scaffold. That night I
fled his Court, and, assuming the disguise of a Second Trombone,
I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happiness
of seeing you! (Approaching her.)
YUM. (retreating). If you please, I think your Highness
had better not come too near. The laws against flirting are
excessively severe.
NANK. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us.
YUM. Still, that don't make it right. To flirt is capital.
NANK. It is capital!
YUM. And we must obey the law.
NANK. Deuce take the law!
YUM. I wish it would, but it won't!
NANK. If it were not for that, how happy we might be!
YUM. Happy indeed!
NANK. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting
side by side, like that. (Sits by her.)
YUM. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like
that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.)
NANK. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like
that. (Gazing at her sentimentally.)
YUM. Breathing sighs of unutterable love--like that.
(Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.)
NANK. With our arms round each other's waists, like that.
(Embracing her.)
YUM. Yes, if it wasn't for the law.
NANK. If it wasn't for the law.
YUM. As it is, of course we couldn't do anything of the
kind.
NANK. Not for worlds!
YUM. Being engaged to Ko-Ko, you know!
NANK. Being engaged to Ko-Ko!
DUET--YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO.
NANK. Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted,
I would say in tender tone,
"Loved one, let us be united--
Let us be each other's own!"
I would merge all rank and station,
Worldly sneers are nought to us,
And, to mark my admiration,
I would kiss you fondly thus-- (Kisses her.)
BOTH. I/He would kiss you/me fondly thus-- (Kiss.)
YUM. But as I'm engaged to Ko-Ko,
To embrace you thus, con fuoco,
Would distinctly be no giuoco,
And for yam I should get toko--
BOTH. Toko, toko, toko, toko!
NANK. So, In spite of all temptation,
Such a theme I'll not discuss,
And on no consideration
Will I kiss you fondly thus-- (Kissing her.)
Let me make it clear to you,
This is what I'll never do!
This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this,--(Kissing
her.)
TOGETHER. This, oh, this, etc.
[Exeunt in opposite
directions.
Enter Ko-Ko.
KO. (looking after Yum-Yum). There she goes! To think how
entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little parcel!
Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony!-- (Enter
Pooh-Bah and Pish-Tush.) Now then, what is it? Can't you see I'm
soliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir!
PISH. I am the bearer of a letter from his Majesty the
Mikado.
KO. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the
Mikado! What in the world can he have to say to me? (Reads
letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooner
or later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions
have taken place in Titipu for a year, and decrees that unless
somebody is beheaded within one month the post of Lord High
Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the rank
of a village!
PISH. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin!
KO. Yes. There is no help for it, I shall have to execute
somebody at once. The only question is, who shall it be?
POOH. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're
already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to
point to you.
KO. To me? What are you talking about? I can't execute
myself.
POOH. Why not?
KO. Why not? Because, in the first place, self
decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous,
thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide
is a capital offence.
POOH. That is so, no doubt.
PISH. We might reserve that point.
POOH. True, it could be argued six months hence, before the
full Court.
KO. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own
head.
POOH. A man might try.
PISH. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off,
that would be something.
POOH. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to
comply with the Imperial will.
KO. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official
Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to
embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a
successful result.
POOH. This professional conscientiousness is highly
creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position.
KO. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace
itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting
off his own head.
PISH. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute
----
KO. A substitute? Oh, certainly--nothing easier. (To
Pooh-Bah.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Substitute.
POOH. I should be delighted. Such an appointment would
realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I must set
bounds to my insatiable ambition!
TRIO
Ko-Ko Pooh-Bah Pish-Tush
My brain it teams I am so proud, I heard one
day
With endless schemes If I allowed A gentleman
say
Both good and new My family pride That criminals
who
For Titipu; To be my guide, Are cut in two
But if I flit, I'd volunteer Can hardly
feel
The benefit To quit this sphere The fatal
steel,
That I'd diffuse Instead of you And so are
slain
The town would lose! In a minute or two, Without much
pain.
Now every man But family pride If this is
true,
To aid his clan Must be denied, It's jolly for
you;
Should plot and plan And set aside, Your courage
screw
As best he can, And mortified. To bid us
adieu,
And so, And so, And go
Although Although And show
I'm ready to go, I wish to go, Both friend
and foe
Yet recollect And greatly pine How much you
dare.
'Twere disrespect To brightly shine, I'm quite
aware
Did I neglect And take the line It's your
affair,
To thus effect Of a hero fine, Yet I declare
This aim direct, With grief condign I'd take your
share,
So I object-- I must decline-- But I don't
much care--
So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much
care--
So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much
care--
ALL. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
[Exeunt Pooh.
and Pish.
KO. This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be
respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native
town, am now required to die within a month, and that by a man
whom I have loaded with honours! Is this public gratitude? Is
this--- (Enter Nanki-Poo, with a rope in his hands.) Go away,
sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?
NANK. Oh, go on--don't mind me.
KO. What are you going to do with that rope?
NANK. I am about to terminate an unendurabIe existence.
KO. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?
NANK. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
KO. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man,
and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your
instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once or I summon my guard.
NANK. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I
instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
KO. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! (Suddenly.)
Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking
your life, you are committing a crime which--which--which is----
Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute!
NANK. What's the matter?
KO. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
NANK. Absolutely!
KO. Will nothing shake your resolution?
NANK. Nothing.
KO. Threats, entreaties, prayers--all useless?
NANK. All! My mind is made up.
KO. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are
absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake
your determination--don't spoil yourself by committing suicide,
but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public
Executioner!
NANK. I don't see how that would benefit me.
KO. You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, and
you'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the day
comes there'll be a grand public ceremonial--you'll be the
central figure--no one will attempt to deprive you of that
distinction. There'll be a procession--bands--dead march--bells
tolling--all the girls in tears--Yum-Yum distracted--then, when
it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in
the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be there all the
same.
NANK. Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my
death?
KO. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most
tender-hearted little creature alive.
NANK. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after
all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for a
couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.
KO. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily;
and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?
NANK. True.
KO. Life without Yum-Yum--why, it seems absurd!
NANK. And yet there are a good many people in the world who
have to endure it.
KO. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of
their number.
NANK. (suddenly). I won't be of their number!
KO. Noble fellow!
NANK. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry
Yum-Yum to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me.
KO. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum.
NANK. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I.
(Preparing rope.)
KO. Stop, stop--listen one moment--be reasonable. How can
I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I'm going to marry her
myself?
NANK. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and you
can marry her then.
KO. That's true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear
me! my position during the next month will be most
unpleasant--most unpleasant.
NANK. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of
it.
KO. But--dear me!--well--I agree--after all, it's only
putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice her
against me, will you? You see, I've educated her to be my wife;
she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now I
shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.
NANK. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.
FINALE.
Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, and Pish-Tush.
CHORUS.
With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.
Don't hesitate
Your choice to name,
A dreadful fate
You'll suffer all the same.
POOH. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.
KO. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer!
ALL. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear!
KO. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Poo!
ALL. Hail, Nanki-Poo!
KO. I think he'll do?
ALL. Yes, yes, he'll do!
KO. He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender.
Now I adore that girl with passion tender,
And could not yield her with a ready will,
Or her allot,
If I did not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still!
Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.
ALL. Ah, yes!
He loves himself with passion tenderer still!
KO. (to Nanki-Poo). Take her--she's yours!
[Exit Ko-Ko
ENSEMBLE.
NANKI-POO. The threatened cloud has passed away,
YUM-YUM. And brightly shines the dawning day;
NANKI-POO. What though the night may come too soon,
YUM-YUM. There's yet a month of afternoon!
NANKI-POO, POOH-BAH, YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING,
and PEEP-BO.
Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
CHORUS. With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our brief career!
PITTI-SING. A day, a week, a month, a year--
YUM. Or far or near, or far or near,
POOH. Life's eventime comes much too soon,
PITTI-SING. You'll live at least a honeymoon!
ALL. Then let the throng, etc.
CHORUS. With joyous shout, etc.
SOLO--POOH-BAH.
As in a month you've got to die,
If Ko-Ko tells us true,
'Twere empty compliment to cry
"Long life to Nanki-Poo!"
But as one month you have to live
As fellow-citizen,
This toast with three times three we'll give--
"Long life to you--till then!"
[Exit
Pooh-Bah.
CHORUS. May all good fortune prosper you,
May you have health and riches too,
May you succeed in all you do!
Long life to you--till then!
(Dance.)
Enter Katisha melodramatically
KAT. Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you!
CHORUS. Why, who is this whose evil eyes
Rain blight on our festivities?
KAT. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo!
Oh, fool! to shun delights that never cloy!
CHORUS. Go, leave thy deadly work undone!
KAT. Come back, oh, shallow fool! come back to joy!
CHORUS. Away, away! ill-favoured one!
NANK. (aside to Yum-Yum). Ah!
'Tis Katisha!
The maid of whom I told you. (About to go.)
KAT. (detaining him). No!
You shall not go,
These arms shall thus enfold you!
SONG--KATISHA.
KAT. (addressing Nanki-Poo).
Oh fool, that fleest
My hallowed joys!
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise!
Oh rash, that judgest
From half, the whole!
Oh base, that grudgest
Love's lightest dole!
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind!
Give me my place,
Oh rash, oh base!
CHORUS. If she's thy bride, restore her place,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!
KAT. (addressing Yum-Yum).
Pink cheek, that rulest
Where wisdom serves!
Bright eye, that foolest
Heroic nerves!
Rose lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years!
Smooth tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears!
Thy doom is nigh.
Pink cheek, bright eye!
Thy knell is rung,
Rose lip, smooth tongue!
CHORUS. If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue!
PITTI-SING. Away, nor prosecute your quest--
From our intention, well expressed,
You cannot turn us!
The state of your connubial views
Towards the person you accuse
Does not concern us!
For he's going to marry Yum-Yum--
ALL. Yum-Yum!
PITTI. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb--
ALL. Cumb--cumb!
PITTI. And join our expressions of glee.
On this subject I pray you be dumb--
ALL. Dumb--dumb.
PITTI. You'll find there are many
Who'll wed for a penny--
The word for your guidance is "Mum"--
ALL. Mum--mum!
PITTI. There's lots of good fish in the sea!
ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb, etc.
SOLO--KATISHA.
The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone;
In silent sadness
I live alone!
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished
Save love, which never dies!
Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue!
In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue.
I'll tear the mask from your disguising!
NANK. (aside). Now comes the blow!
KAT. Prepare yourselves for news surprising!
NANK. (aside). How foil my foe?
KAT. No minstrel he, despite bravado!
YUM. (aside, struck by an idea). Ha! ha! I know!
KAT. He is the son of your----
(Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, and Chorus, interrupting, sing Japanese words,
to drown her voice.)
O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. In vain you interrupt with this tornado!
He is the only son of your----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. I'll spoil----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. Your gay gambado!
He is the son----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. Of your----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. The son of your----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! oya! oya!
ENSEMBLE.
KATISHA. THE OTHERS.
Ye torrents roar! We'll hear no more,
Ye tempests howl! Ill-omened owl.
Your wrath outpour To joy we soar,
With angry growl! Despite your
scowl!
Do ye your worst, my vengeance The echoes of our festival
call
Shall rise triumphant over all! Shall rise triumphant over
all!
Prepare for woe, Away you go,
Ye haughty lords, Collect your
hordes;
At once I go Proclaim your woe
Mikado-wards, In dismal
chords
My wrongs with vengeance shall We do not heed their
dismal
be crowned! sound
My wrongs with vengeance shall For joy reigns everywhere
be crowned! around.
(Katisha rushes furiously up stage, clearing the crowd away right
and left, finishing on steps at the back of stage.)
END OF ACT I.
ACT II.
SCENE.--Ko-Ko's Garden.
Yum-Yum discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded by
maidens, who are dressing her hair and painting her face and
lips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror.
SOLO--PITTI-SING and CHORUS OF GIRLS.
CHORUS. Braid the raven hair--
Weave the supple tress--
Deck the maiden fair
In her loveliness--
Paint the pretty face--
Dye the coral lip--
Emphasize the grace
Of her ladyship!
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride.
SOLO--PITTI-SING.
Sit with downcast eye
Let it brim with dew--
Try if you can cry--
We will do so, too.
When you're summoned, start
Like a frightened roe--
Flutter, little heart,
Colour, come and go!
Modesty at marriage-tide
Well becomes a pretty bride!
CHORUS.
Braid the raven hair, etc.
[Exeunt Pitti-Sing, Peep-Bo, and
Chorus.
YUM. Yes, I am indeed beautiful! Sometimes I sit and
wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is that I am so much
more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can this
be vanity? No! Nature is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness.
I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.
SONG--YUM-YUM.
The sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
With ever-living glory,
Does not deny
His majesty--
He scorns to tell a story!
He don't exclaim,
"I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent."
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
He glories effulgent!
I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky--
We really know our worth,
The sun and I!
Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The moon's Celestial Highness;
There's not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness:
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may all acclaim her!
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don't blame her!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We're very wide awake,
The moon and I!
Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.
YUM. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be
married to-day to the man I love best and I believe I am the very
happiest girl in Japan!
PEEP. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be
envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection.
YUM. In "all but" perfection?
PEEP. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that
your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a
drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know.
PITTI. I don't know about that. It all depends!
PEEP. At all events, he will find it a drawback.
PITTI. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends!
YUM. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to
refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness
is to be--to be--
PEEP. Cut short.
YUM. Well, cut short--in a month, can't you let me forget
it? (Weeping.)
Enter Nanki-Poo, followed by Go-To.
NANK. Yum-Yum in tears--and on her wedding morn!
YUM. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a month
you're to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.)
PITTI. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be
beheaded. (Bursts into tears.)
PEEP. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded!
(Bursts into tears.)
NANK. (aside). Humph! Now, some bridegrooms would be
depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.) A month? Well,
what's a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely
arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?
PITTI. There's a popular impression to that effect.
NANK. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a
minute--each minute an hour--each hour a day--and each day a
year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happiness
before us!
PEEP. And, at that rate, this interview has already lasted
four hours and three-quarters!
[Exit
Peep-Bo.
YUM. (still sobbing). Yes. How time flies when one is
thoroughly enjoying oneself!
NANK. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's be
downhearted! There's a silver lining to every cloud.
YUM. Certainly. Let's--let's be perfectly happy! (Almost
in tears.)
GO-TO. By all means. Let's--let's thoroughly enjoy
ourselves.
PITTI. It's--it's absurd to cry! (Trying to force a
laugh.)
YUM. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)
(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)
MADRIGAL.
YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, NANKI-POO, and PISH-TUSH
Brightly dawns our wedding day;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!
Whither, whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment, prithee stay!
What though mortal joys be hollow?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Ding dong! Ding dong!
Yet until the shadows fall
Over one and over all,
Sing a merry madrigal--
A madrigal!
Fal-la--fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sundown is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow--
I to-day and thou to-morrow;
This the close of every song--
Ding dong! Ding dong!
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all?
Sing a merry madrigal--
A madrigal!
Fal-la--fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
[Exeunt Pitti-Sing and
Pish-Tush.
(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releases
Yum-Yum.)
KO. Go on--don't mind me.
NANK. I'm afraid we're distressing you.
KO. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it
by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist.
(Nanki-Poo does so.) There; let me get used to that first.
YUM. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire? It must pain you to
see us so affectionate together!
KO. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing
her head to rest on your shoulder.
NANK. Like that? (He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.)
KO. I am much obliged to you. Now--kiss her! (He does so.
Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you--it's simple torture!
YUM. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a
month.
KO. No. It's no use deluding oneself with false hopes.
NANK. and YUM. What do you mean?
KO. (to Yum-Yum). My child--my poor child! (Aside.) How
shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to
have been?
YUM. (delighted). Was to have been?
KO. Yes, you never can be mine!
NANK. and YUM. (simultaneously, in ecstacy) What!/I'm so
glad!
KO. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a
married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.
NANK. and YUM. Buried alive!
KO. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death.
NANK. But whom did you get that from?
KO. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my Solicitor.
YUM. But he may be mistaken!
KO. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney General, the
Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary,
and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Never
knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life!
NANK. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in
force.
KO. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime
punishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt.
NANK. Of course, they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, I
suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end!
YUM. Darling--I don't want to appear selfish, and I love
you with all my heart--I don't suppose I shall ever love anybody
else half as much--but when I agreed to marry you--my own--I had
no idea--pet--that I should have to be buried alive in a month!
NANK. Nor I! It's the very first I've heard of it!
YUM. It--it makes a difference, doesn't it?
NANK. It does make a difference, of course.
YUM. You see--burial alive--it's such a stuffy death!
NANK. I call it a beast of a death.
YUM. You see my difficulty, don't you?
NANK. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying
out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release
you, you marry Ko-Ko at once!
TRIO.--YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, and KO-KO.
YUM. Here's a how-de-do!
If I marry you,
When your time has come to perish,
Then the maiden whom you cherish
Must be slaughtered, too!
Here's a how-de-do!
NANK. Here's a pretty mess!
In a month, or less,
I must die without a wedding!
Let the bitter tears I'm shedding
Witness my distress,
Here's a pretty mess!
KO. Here's a state of things
To her life she clings!
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn't seem to suit her notion--
Burial it brings!
Here's a state of things!
ENSEMBLE
YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO. KO-KO.
With a passion that's intense With a passion that's
intense
I worship and adore, You worship and adore,
But the laws of common sense But the laws of common
sense
We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to
ignore.
If what he says is true, If what I say is true,
'Tis death to marry you! 'Tis death to marry
you!
Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty state of
things!
Here's a pretty how-de-do! Here's a pretty
how-de-do!
[Exit
Yum-Yum.
KO. (going up to Nanki-Poo). My poor boy, I'm really very
sorry for you.
NANK. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are.
KO. You see I'm quite helpless.
NANK. I quite see that.
KO. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have
one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't be
disappointed of a wedding--you shall come to mine.
NANK. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible.
KO. Why so?
NANK. To-day I die.
KO. What do you mean?
NANK. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I
perform the Happy Despatch.
KO. No, no--pardon me--I can't allow that.
NANK. Why not?
KO. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the
hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill
yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to be
executed in your place!
NANK. It would certainly seem so!
Enter Pooh-Bah.
KO. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?
POOH. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city,
and will be here in ten minutes.
KO. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have
been carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know--this
is getting serious--a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't
frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of
honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the
hands of the Public Executioner.
NANK. Very well, then--behead me.
KO. What, now?
NANK. Certainly; at once.
POOH. Chop it off! Chop it off!
KO. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute
gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a
blue-bottle!
POOH. Still, as Lord High Executioner----
KO. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I've got to
behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's
done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea
pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a
Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man,
I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't
thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you--I
can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.)
NANK. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties
to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind,
why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.
KO. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sure
about that!
NANK. What do you mean?
KO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that
you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of
witnesses--the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral,
Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department,
First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.
NANK. But where are they?
KO. There they are. They'll all swear to it--won't you?
(To Pooh-Bah.)
POOH. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of
State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?
KO. Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual.
POOH. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?
KO. It will be a ready-money transaction.
POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline.
(Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it!
(Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?
NANK. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum----
KO. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here,
Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit
Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never
come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is.
Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?
YUM. Not particularly.
KO. You've five minutes to spare?
YUM. Yes.
KO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu;
he'll marry you at once.
YUM. But if I'm to be buried alive?
KO. Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and
Nanki-Poo will explain all.
NANK. But one moment----
KO. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to
ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you
alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that
I've beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by
Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes!
[Exit Ko-Ko.
March.--Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.
Entrance of Mikado and Katisha.
("March of the Mikado's troops.")
CHORUS. Miya sama, miya sama,
On n'm-ma no maye ni
Pira-Pira suru no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tonyare tonyare na?
DUET--MIKADO and KATISHA.
MIK. From every kind of man
Obedience I expect;
I'm the Emperor of Japan--
KAT. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect!
He'll marry his son
(He's only got one)
To his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK. My morals have been declared
Particularly correct;
KAT. But they're nothing at all, compared
With those of his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL. Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect.
MIK. In a fatherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway--
KAT. Except his daughter-in-law elect!
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is his daughter-in-law elect!
MIK. My nature is love and light--
My freedom from all defect--
KAT. Is insignificant quite,
Compared with his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
ALL. Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!
SONG--MIKADO and CHORUS.
A more humane Mikado never
Did in Japan exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time--
To let the punishment fit the crime--
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten till four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.
The lady who dyes a chemical yellow
Or stains her grey hair puce,
Or pinches her figure,
Is painted with vigour
With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window-panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains.
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.
The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I've enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
The music-hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and "ops"
By Bach, interwoven
With Spohr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.
The billiard sharp who any one catches,
His doom's extremely hard--
He's made to dwell--
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue
And elliptical billiard balls!
My object all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.
Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel
(Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)
KO. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your
Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit--your wishes
have been attended to. The execution has taken place.
MIK. Oh, you've had an execution, have you?
KO. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
POOH. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to
Mikado.)
MIK. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.)
"At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief
Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home
Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front----"
POOH. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them
myself.
MIK. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the
performance.
KO. A tough fellow he was, too--a man of gigantic strength.
His struggles were terrific. It was a remarkable scene.
MIK. Describe it.
TRIO and CHORUS.
KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS.
KO. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm--
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,
I bared my big right arm.
I seized him by his little pig-tail,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled,
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee!
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that shrieked he,
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee!
CHORUS.
We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales--
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.
PITTI. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn't deserve;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve;
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the sabre true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebrae!
When a man's afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see;
And it's oh, I'm glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me!
CHORUS.
Her terrible tale
You can't assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.
POOH. Now though you'd have said that head was dead
(For its owner dead was he),
It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred,
And bowed three times to me!
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree!
And it's oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn't forget
The deference due to me!
CHORUS.
This haughty youth,
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays:
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says!
[Exeunt
Chorus.
MIK. All this is very interesting, and I should like to
have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A
year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our
Imperial Court.
KO. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his
position?
KAT. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry
him--yet he fled!
POOH. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so
lovely!
KAT. That's not true.
POOH. No!
KAT. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is
plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened.
Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to
be sought. My face is unattractive!
POOH. It is.
KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of
loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a
fascination that few can resist.
POOH. Allow me!
KAT. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of
visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the
world.
KO. And yet he fled!
MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a
Second Trombone.
KO., POOH., and PITTI. A Second Trombone!
MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you
to produce him? He goes by the name of----
KAT. Nanki-Poo.
MIK. Nanki-Poo.
KO. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In
point of fact, he's gone abroad!
MIK. Gone abroad! His address.
KO. Knightsbridge!
KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha!
MIK. What's the matter?
KAT. See here--his name--Nanki-Poo--beheaded this morning.
Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?
[Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on
their knees.
MIK. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear! this is very
tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry
out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan!
KO. I beg to offer an unqualified apology.
POOH. I desire to associate myself with that expression of
regret.
PITTI. We really hadn't the least notion--
MIK. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my
good fellow, don't distress yourself--it was no fault of yours.
If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second
Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me
to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved all
he got. (They rise.)
KO. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty----
PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty.
POOH. Very much obliged, your Majesty.
MIK. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you
tell?
POOH. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman
really was.
PITTI. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.
KO. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but
Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!
MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for
compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.
KO., POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on their
knees again.)
MIK. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I
fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in
it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but
lingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come,
don't fret--I'm not a bit angry.
KO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our
assurance, we had no idea----
MIK. Of course----
PITTI. I knew nothing about it.
POOH. I wasn't there.
MIK. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the
fool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent."
There's not a word about a mistake----
KO., PITTI., and POOH. No!
MIK. Or not knowing----
KO. No!
MIK. Or having no notion----
PITTI. No!
MIK. Or not being there----
POOH. No!
MIK. There should be, of course---
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Yes!
MIK. But there isn't.
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh!
MIK. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always
drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it
altered next session. Now, let's see about your execution--will
after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then?
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh, yes--we can wait till then!
MIK. Then we'll make it after luncheon.
POOH. I don't want any lunch.
MIK. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust
world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.
GLEE.
PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO,
MIK. See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy--B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!
KO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy?
KAT. I should say
He's worth a great deal more than A.
ENSEMBLE: Yet A is happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!
KO., POOH., and PITTI. If I were Fortune--which I'm not--
B should enjoy A's happy lot,
And A should die in miserie--
That is, assuming I am B.
MIK. and KAT. But should A perish?
KO., POOH., and PITTI. That should be
(Of course, assuming I am B).
B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!
[Exeunt Mikado and
Katisha.
KO. Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding
head and the deference due to a man of pedigree!
POOH. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give
artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing
narrative.
PITTI. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative
fiddlestick!
KO. And you're just as bad as he is with your cock--
and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an
air. But that's so like you! You must put in your oar!
POOH. But how about your big right arm?
PITTI. Yes, and your snickersnee!
KO. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one
thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet--he must come to
life again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared for
journey.) Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for
you--you're reprieved.
NANK. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off
for my honeymoon.
KO. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It
seems you're the son of the Mikado.
NANK. Yes, but that happened some time ago.
KO. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is
here, and with Katisha!
NANK. My father! And with Katisha!
KO. Yes, he wants you particularly.
POOH. So does she.
YUM. Oh, but he's married now.
KO. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it?
NANK. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her
because I'm married already--consequently she will insist on my
execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be buried
alive.
YUM. You see our difficulty.
KO. Yes. I don't know what's to be done.
NANK. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade
Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and
in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put
to death.
KO. I marry Katisha!
YUM. I really think it's the only course.
KO. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She's something
appalling!
PITTI. Ah! that's only her face. She has a left elbow
which people come miles to see!
POOH. I am told that her right heel is much admired by
connoisseurs.
KO. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's
right heel.
NANK. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer
to be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence
will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.
DUET--NANKI-POO and KO-KO.
(With YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.)
NANK. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine--
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine.
And that's what we mean when we say that a
thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the
spring.
Tra la la la la la, etc.
ALL. Tra la la la, etc.
KO. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I've got to take under my wing,
Tra la,
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face
And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing,
"Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring."
Tra la la la la la, etc.
ALL. Tra la la la, Tra la la la, etc.
[Dance and exeunt Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing, and
Ko-Ko.
Enter Katisha.
RECITATIVE and SONG.--KATISHA.
Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre!
My soul is still my body's prisoner!
Remote the peace that Death alone can give--
My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!
SONG.
Hearts do not break!
They sting and ache
For old love's sake,
But do not die,
Though with each breath
They long for death
As witnesseth
The living I!
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here,
Where all is drear?
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?
KO. (entering and approaching her timidly). Katisha!
KAT. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance
pursues--they are heating the cauldron!
KO. Katisha--behold a suppliant at your feet!
Katisha--mercy!
KAT. Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You
have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have loved
me in time. I am an acquired taste--only the educated palate can
appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me.
Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes years
to train a man to love me. Am I to go through the weary round
again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed me
of my prey--I mean my pupil--just as his education was on the
point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another?
KO. (suddenly, and with great vehemence). Here!--Here!
KAT. What!!!
KO. (with intense passion). Katisha, for years I have
loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely
consuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is
aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a
love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest
touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have
endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling
the soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered--it
defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the
more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words
that will not be weighed--that cannot be schooled--that should
not be too severely criticised. Katisha, I dare not hope for
your love--but I will not live without it! Darling!
KAT. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my
betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you have
so foully wronged!
KO. I do--accept my love, or I perish on the spot!
KAT. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet
died of a broken heart!
KO. You know not what you say. Listen!
SONG--KO-KO.
On a tree by a river a little tom-tit
Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing Willow, titwillow, titwillow'?"
"Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried,
"Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"
With a shake of his poor little head, he replied,
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough,
Singing "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow,
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!
He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave,
Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave,
And an echo arose from the suicide's grave--
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name
Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And if you remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
(During this song Katisha has been greatly affected, and at the
end is almost in tears.)
KAT. (whimpering). Did he really die of love?
KO. He really did.
KAT. All on account of a cruel little hen?
KO. Yes.
KAT. Poor little chap!
KO. It's an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the
bird intimately.
KAT. Did you? He must have been very fond of her.
KO. His devotion was something extraordinary.
KAT. (still whimpering). Poor little chap! And--and if I
refuse you, will you go and do the same?
KO. At once.
KAT. No, no--you mustn't! Anything but that! (Falls on
his breast.) Oh, I'm a silly little goose!
KO. (making a wry face). You are!
KAT. And you won't hate me because I'm just a little teeny
weeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you?
KO. Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even in
bloodthirstiness?
KAT. My idea exactly.
DUET--KATISHA and KO-KO.
KAT. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,
There is eloquent outpouring
When the lion is a-roaring,
And the tiger is a-lashing of his tail!
KO. Yes, I like to see a tiger
From the Congo or the Niger,
And especially when lashing of his tail!
KAT. Volcanoes have a splendor that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
But to him who's scientific
There's nothing that's terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts!
KO. Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It's a passion for a flight of thunderbolts!
BOTH. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one.
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!
KO. There is beauty in extreme old age--
Do you fancy you are elderly enough?
Information I'm requesting
On a subject interesting:
Is a maiden all the better when she's tough?
KAT. Throughout this wide dominion
It's the general opinion
That she'll last a good deal longer when she's
tough.
KO. Are you old enough to marry, do you think?
Won't you wait till you are eighty in the shade?
There's a fascination frantic
In a ruin that's romantic;
Do you think you are sufficiently decayed?
KAT. To the matter that you mention
I have given some attention,
And I think I am sufficiently decayed.
BOTH. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It's evident, very,
Our tastes are one!
Away we'll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!
[Exeunt
together.
Flourish. Enter the Mikado, attended by Pish-Tush and Court.
MIK. Now then, we've had a capital lunch, and we're quite
ready. Have all the painful preparations been made?
PISH. Your Majesty, all is prepared.
MIK. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two
well-meaning but misguided accomplices.
Enter Ko-Ko, Katisha, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing. They throw
themselves
at the Mikado's feet
KAT. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy
even for Pooh-Bah!
MIK. I beg your pardon, I don't think I quite caught that
remark.
POOH. Mercy even for Pooh-Bah.
KAT. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and
I have just married this miserable object.
MIK. Oh! You've not been long about it!
KO. We were married before the Registrar.
POOH. I am the Registrar.
MIK. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain
the Heir Apparent----
Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel.
NANK. The Heir Apparent is not slain.
MIK. Bless my heart, my son!
YUM. And your daughter-in-law elected!
KAT. (seizing Ko-Ko). Traitor, you have deceived me!
MIK. Yes, you are entitled to a little explanation, but I
think he will give it better whole than in pieces.
KO. Your Majesty, it's like this: It is true that I stated
that I had killed Nanki-Poo----
MIK. Yes, with most affecting particulars.
POOH. Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic
verisimilitude to a bald and----
KO. Will you refrain from putting in your oar? (To
Mikado.) It's like this: When your Majesty says, "Let a thing be
done," it's as good as done--practically, it is done--because
your Majesty's will is law. Your Majesty says, "Kill a
gentleman," and a gentleman is told off to be killed.
Consequently, that gentleman is as good as dead--practically, he
is dead--and if he is dead, why not say so?
MIK. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!
FINALE.
PITTI. For he's gone and married Yum-Yum--
ALL. Yum-Yum!
PITTI. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb--
ALL. Cumb--cumb.
PITTI. And join our expressions of glee!
KO. On this subject I pray you be dumb--
ALL. Dumb--dumb!
KO. Your notions, though many,
Are not worth a penny,
The word for your guidance is "Mum"--
ALL. Mum--Mum!
KO. You've a very good bargain in me.
ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb--
Dumb--dumb!
We think you had better succumb--
Cumb--cumb!
You'll find there are many
Who'll wed for a penny,
There are lots of good fish in the sea.
YUM. and NANK. The threatened cloud has passed away,
And brightly shines the dawning day;
What though the night may come too soon,
We've years and years of afternoon!
ALL. Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our new career!
Then let the throng, etc.
CURTAIN.
THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE
OR
THE SLAVE OF DUTY
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY
THE PIRATE KING
SAMUEL (his Lieutenant)
SERGEANT OF POLICE
MABEL, EDITH, KATE, and ISABEL (General Stanley's Daughters)
RUTH (a Pirate Maid of all Work)
Chorus of Pirates, Police, and General Stanley's Daughters
ACT I
A rocky sea-shore on the coast of Cornwall
ACT II
A ruined chapel by moonlight
First produced at the Op-ra Comique on April 3, 1880
ACT I
(Scene.-A rocky seashore on the coast of Cornwall. In the
distance is a calm sea, on which a schooner is lying at anchor.
Rock L. sloping down to L.C. of stage. Under these rocks is a
cavern, the entrance to which is seen at first entrance L. A
natural arch of rock occupies the R.C. of the stage. As the
curtain rises groups of pirates are discovered -- some drinking,
some playing cards. SAMUEL, the Pirate Lieutenant, is going from
one group to another, filling the cups from a flask. FREDERIC is
seated in a despondent attitude at the back of the scene. RUTH
kneels at his feet.)
OPENING CHORUS
ALL: Pour, O pour the pirate sherry;
Fill, O fill the pirate glass;
And, to make us more than merry
Let the pirate bumper pass.
SAMUEL: For today our pirate 'prentice
Rises from indentures freed;
Strong his arm, and keen his scent is
He's a pirate now indeed!
ALL: Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures!
Fred'ric's out of his indentures.
SAMUEL: Two and twenty, now he's rising,
And alone he's fit to fly,
Which we're bent on signalizing
With unusual revelry.
ALL: Here's good luck to Fred'ric's ventures!
Fred'ric's out of his indentures.
Pour, O pour the pirate sherry;
Fill, O fill the pirate glass;
And, to make us more than merry
Let the pirate bumper pass.
(FREDERIC rises and comes forward with PIRATE KING, who enters)
KING: Yes, Frederic, from to-day you rank as a full-blown
member of our band.
ALL: Hurrah!
FREDERIC: My friends, I thank you all, from my heart, for your
kindly wishes. Would that I could repay them as they
deserve!
KING: What do you mean?
FREDERIC: To-day I am out of my indentures, and to-day I leave
you for ever.
KING: But this is quite unaccountable; a keener hand at
scuttling a Cunarder or cutting out a White Star never
shipped a handspike.
FREDERIC: Yes, I have done my best for you. And why? It was my
duty under my indentures, and I am the slave of duty.
As a child I was regularly apprenticed to your band.
It was through an error -- no matter, the mistake was
ours, not yours, and I was in honour bound by it.
SAMUEL: An error? What error? (RUTH rises and comes forward)
FREDERIC: I may not tell you; it would reflect upon my well-loved
Ruth.
RUTH: Nay, dear master, my mind has long been gnawed by the
cankering tooth of mystery. Better have it out at
once.
SONG -- RUTH
RUTH: When Frederic was a little lad he proved so brave and
daring,
His father thought he'd 'prentice him to some career
seafaring.
I was, alas! his nurs'rymaid, and so it fell to my lot
To take and bind the promising boy apprentice to a
pilot --
A life not bad for a hardy lad, though surely not a
high lot,
Though I'm a nurse, you might do worse than make your
boy a pilot.
I was a stupid nurs'rymaid, on breakers always
steering,
And I did not catch the word aright, through being hard
of hearing;
Mistaking my instructions, which within my brain did
gyrate,
I took and bound this promising boy apprentice to a
pirate.
A sad mistake it was to make and doom him to a vile
lot.
I bound him to a pirate -- you! -- instead of to a
pilot.
I soon found out, beyond all doubt, the scope of this
disaster,
But I hadn't the face to return to my place, and break
it to my master.
A nurs'rymaid is not afraid of what you people call
work,
So I made up my mind to go as a kind of piratical maid-
of-all-work.
And that is how you find me now, a member of your shy
lot,
Which you wouldn't have found, had he been bound
apprentice to a pilot.
RUTH: Oh, pardon! Frederic, pardon! (Kneels)
FREDERIC: Rise, sweet one, I have long pardoned you. (Ruth
rises)
RUTH: The two words were so much alike!
FREDERIC: They were. They still are, though years have rolled
over their heads. But this afternoon my obligation
ceases. Individually, I love you all with affection
unspeakable; but, collectively, I look upon you with a
disgust that amounts to absolute detestation. Oh! pity
me, my beloved friends, for such is my sense of duty
that, once out of my indentures, I shall feel myself
bound to devote myself heart and soul to your
extermination!
ALL: Poor lad -- poor lad! (All weep)
KING: Well, Frederic, if you conscientiously feel that it is
your duty to destroy us, we cannot blame you for acting
on that conviction. Always act in accordance with the
dictates of your conscience, my boy, and chance the
consequences.
SAMUEL: Besides, we can offer you but little temptation to
remain with us. We don't seem to make piracy pay. I'm
sure I don't know why, but we don't.
FREDERIC: I know why, but, alas! I mustn't tell you; it wouldn't
be right.
KING: Why not, my boy? It's only half-past eleven, and you
are one of us until the clock strikes twelve.
SAMUEL: True, and until then you are bound to protect our
interests.
ALL: Hear, hear!
FREDERIC: Well, then, it is my duty, as a pirate, to tell you
that you are too tender-hearted. For instance, you
make a point of never attacking a weaker party than
yourselves, and when you attack a stronger party you
invariably get thrashed.
KING: There is some truth in that.
FREDERIC: Then, again, you make a point of never molesting an
orphan!
SAMUEL: Of course: we are orphans ourselves, and know what it
is.
FREDERIC: Yes, but it has got about, and what is the consequence?
Every one we capture says he's an orphan. The last
three ships we took proved to be manned entirely by
orphans, and so we had to let them go. One would think
that Great Britain's mercantile navy was recruited
solely from her orphan asylums -- which we know is not
the case.
SAMUEL: But, hang it all! you wouldn't have us absolutely
merciless?
FREDERIC: There's my difficulty; until twelve o'clock I would,
after twelve I wouldn't. Was ever a man placed in so
delicate a situation?
RUTH: And Ruth, your own Ruth, whom you love so well, and who
has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart,
what is to become of her?
KING: Oh, he will take you with him.
FREDERIC: Well, Ruth, I feel some difficulty about you. It is
true that I admire you very much, but I have been
constantly at sea since I was eight years old, and
yours is the only woman's face I have seen during that
time. I think it is a sweet face.
RUTH: It is -- oh, it is!
FREDERIC: I say I think it is; that is my impression. But as I
have never had an opportunity of comparing you with
other women, it is just possible I may be mistaken.
KING: True.
FREDERIC: What a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry
this innocent person, and then find out that she is, on
the whole, plain!
KING: Oh, Ruth is very well, very well indeed.
SAMUEL: Yes, there are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth.
FREDERIC: Do you really think so?
SAMUEL: I do.
FREDERIC: Then I will not be so selfish as to take her from you.
In justice to her, and in consideration for you, I will
leave her behind. (Hands RUTH to KING)
KING: No, Frederic, this must not be. We are rough men, who
lead a rough life, but we are not so utterly heartless
as to deprive thee of thy love. I think I am right in
saying that there is not one here who would rob thee of
this inestimable treasure for all the world holds dear.
ALL: (loudly) Not one!
KING: No, I thought there wasn't. Keep thy love, Frederic,
keep thy love. (Hands her back to FREDERIC)
FREDERIC: You're very good, I'm sure. (Exit RUTH)
KING: Well, it's the top of the tide, and we must be off.
Farewell, Frederic. When your process of extermination
begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as you
can conveniently make them.
FREDERIC: I will! By the love I have for you, I swear it! Would
that you could render this extermination unnecessary by
accompanying me back to civilization!
KING: No, Frederic, it cannot be. I don't think much of our
profession, but, contrasted with respectability, it is
comparatively honest. No, Frederic, I shall live and
die a Pirate King.
SONG -- PIRATE KING
KING: Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I'll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: You are!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
KING: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.
ALL: It is!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
KING: When I sally forth to seek my prey
I help myself in a royal way.
I sink a few more ships, it's true,
Than a well-bred monarch ought to do;
But many a king on a first-class throne,
If he wants to call his crown his own,
Must manage somehow to get through
More dirty work than e'er I do,
For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!
For I am a Pirate King!
ALL: You are!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
KING: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King.
ALL: It is!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
Hurrah for the Pirate King!
(Exeunt all except FREDERIC. Enter RUTH.)
RUTH: Oh, take me with you! I cannot live if I am left
behind.
FREDERIC: Ruth, I will be quite candid with you. You are very
dear to me, as you know, but I must be circumspect.
You see, you are considerably older than I. A lad of
twenty-one usually looks for a wife of seventeen.
RUTH: A wife of seventeen! You will find me a wife of a
thousand!
FREDERIC: No, but I shall find you a wife of forty-seven, and
that is quite enough. Ruth, tell me candidly and
without reserve: compared with other women, how are
you?
RUTH: I will answer you truthfully, master: I have a slight
cold, but otherwise I am quite well.
FREDERIC: I am sorry for your cold, but I was referring rather to
your personal appearance. Compared with other women,
are you beautiful?
RUTH: (bashfully) I have been told so, dear master.
FREDERIC: Ah, but lately?
RUTH: Oh, no; years and years ago.
FREDERIC: What do you think of yourself?
RUTH: It is a delicate question to answer, but I think I am a
fine woman.
FREDERIC: That is your candid opinion?
RUTH: Yes, I should be deceiving you if I told you otherwise.
FREDERIC: Thank you, Ruth. I believe you, for I am sure you
would not practice on my inexperience. I wish to do
the right thing, and if- I say if- you are really a
fine woman, your age shall be no obstacle to our union!
(Shakes hands with her. Chorus of girls heard in the
distance, "climbing over rocky mountain," etc.) Hark!
Surely I hear voices! Who has ventured to approach our
all but inaccessible lair? Can it be Custom House? No,
it does not sound like Custom House.
RUTH: (aside) Confusion! it is the voices of young girls!
If he should see them I am lost.
FREDERIC: (looking off) By all that's marvellous, a bevy of
beautiful maidens!
RUTH: (aside) Lost! lost! lost!
FREDERIC: How lovely, how surpassingly lovely is the plainest of
them! What grace- what delicacy- what refinement! And
Ruth-- Ruth told me she was beautiful!
RECITATIVE
FREDERIC: Oh, false one, you have deceived me!
RUTH: I have deceived you?
FREDERIC: Yes, deceived me!
(Denouncing her.)
FREDERIC: You told me you were fair as gold!
RUTH: (wildly) And, master, am I not so?
FREDERIC: And now I see you're plain and old.
RUTH: I'm sure I'm not a jot so.
FREDERIC: Upon my innocence you play.
RUTH: I'm not the one to plot so.
FREDERIC: Your face is lined, your hair is grey.
RUTH: It's gradually got so.
FREDERIC: Faithless woman, to deceive me,
I who trusted so!
RUTH: Master, master, do not leave me!
Hear me, ere you go!
My love without reflecting,
Oh, do not be rejecting!
Take a maiden tender, her affection raw and green,
At very highest rating,
Has been accumulating
Summers seventeen, summers seventeen.
Don't, beloved master,
Crush me with disaster.
What is such a dower to the dower I have here?
My love unabating
Has been accumulating
Forty-seven year--forty-seven year!
ENSEMBLE
RUTH FREDERIC
Don't, beloved master, Yes, your former master
Crush me with disaster. Saves you from disaster.
What is such a dower to the Your love would be uncomfortably
dower I have here fervid, it is clear
My love unabating If, as you are stating
Has been accumulating It's been accumulating
Forty-seven year, forty-seven Forty-seven year--forty-seven year!
year! Faithless woman to deceive me, I
who trusted so!
Master, master, do not leave Faithless woman to deceive me, I
me, hear me, ere I go! who trusted so!
RECIT--FREDERIC
What shall I do? Before these gentle maidens
I dare not show in this alarming costume!
No, no, I must remain in close concealment
Until I can appear in decent clothing!
(Hides in cave as they enter climbing over the rocks and through
arched rock)
GIRLS: Climbing over rocky mountain,
Skipping rivulet and fountain,
Passing where the willows quiver,
Passing where the willows quiver
By the ever-rolling river,
Swollen with the summer rain, the summer rain
Threading long and leafy mazes
Dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Dotted, dotted with unnumbered daisies,
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hardy little lasses,
Till the bright sea-shore they gain;
Scaling rough and rugged passes,
Climb the hardy little lasses,
Till the bright sea-shore they gain!
EDITH: Let us gaily tread the measure,
Make the most of fleeting leisure,
Hail it as a true ally,
Though it perish by-and-by.
GIRLS: Hail it as a true ally,
Though it perish by-and-by.
EDITH: Every moment brings a treasure
Of its own especial pleasure;
Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
GIRLS: Though the moments quickly die,
Greet them gaily as they fly.
KATE: Far away from toil and care,
Revelling in fresh sea-air,
Here we live and reign alone
In a world that's all our own.
Here, in this our rocky den,
Far away from mortal men,
We'll be queens, and make decrees--
They may honour them who please.
GIRLS: We'll be queens, and make decrees--
They may honour them who please.
Let us gaily tread the measure, etc.
KATE: What a picturesque spot! I wonder where we are!
EDITH: And I wonder where Papa is. We have left him ever so
far behind.
ISABEL: Oh, he will be here presently! Remember poor Papa is
not as young as we are, and we came over a rather
difficult country.
KATE: But how thoroughly delightful it is to be so entirely
alone! Why, in all probability we are the first human
beings who ever set foot on this enchanting spot.
ISABEL: Except the mermaids--it's the very place for mermaids.
KATE: Who are only human beings down to the waist--
EDITH: And who can't be said strictly to set foot anywhere.
Tails they may, but feet they cannot.
KATE: But what shall we do until Papa and the servants arrive
with the luncheon?
EDITH: We are quite alone, and the sea is as smooth as glass.
Suppose we take off our shoes and stockings and paddle?
ALL: Yes, yes! The very thing! (They prepare to carry, out
the suggestion. They have all taken off one shoe, when
FREDERIC comes forward from cave.)
FREDERIC: (recitative). Stop, ladies, pray!
GIRLS: (Hopping on one foot) A man!
FREDERIC: I had intended
Not to intrude myself upon your notice
In this effective but alarming costume;
But under these peculiar circumstances,
It is my bounden duty to inform you
That your proceedings will not be unwitnessed!
EDITH: But who are you, sir? Speak! (All hopping)
FREDERIC: I am a pirate!
GIRLS: (recoiling, hopping) A pirate! Horror!
FREDERIC: Ladies, do not shun me!
This evening I renounce my vile profession;
And, to that end, O pure and peerless maidens!
Oh, blushing buds of ever-blooming beauty!
I, sore at heart, implore your kind assistance.
EDITH: How pitiful his tale!
KATE: How rare his beauty
GIRLS: How pitiful his tale! How rare his beauty!
SONG--FREDERIC
Oh, is there not one maiden breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty?
Who would not give up willingly
All matrimonial ambition,
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position?
From his position,
To rescue such an one as I
From his unfortunate position?
GIRLS: Alas! there's not one maiden breast
Which seems to feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Subordinate to sense of duty!
FREDERIC: Oh, is there not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man's affection?
Of such a one, if such there be,
I swear by Heaven's arch above you,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be, I'll love you,
However plain you be,
If you will cast your eyes on me,
However plain you be I'll love you,
I'll love you, I'll love, I'll love you!
GIRLS: Alas! there's not one maiden here
Whose homely face and bad complexion
Have caused all hope to disappear
Of ever winning man's affection!
FREDERIC: (in despair) Not one?
GIRLS: No, no-- not one!
FREDERIC: Not one?
GIRLS: No, no!
MABEL: (enters through arch) Yes, one!
Yes, one!
GIRLS: 'Tis Mabel!
MABEL: Yes, 'tis Mabel!
RECIT--MABEL
Oh, sisters, deaf to pity's name,
For shame!
It's true that he has gone astray,
But pray
Is that a reason good and true
Why you
Should all be deaf to pity's name?
GIRLS: (aside): The question is, had he not been
A thing of beauty,
Would she be swayed by quite as keen
A sense of duty?
MABEL: For shame, for shame, for shame!
SONG--MABEL
MABEL: Poor wand'ring one!
Though thou hast surely strayed,
Take heart of grace,
Thy steps retrace,
Poor wand'ring one!
Poor wand'ring one!
If such poor love as mine
Can help thee find
True peace of mind-
Why, take it, it is thine!
GIRLS: Take heart, no danger low'rs;
Take any heart but ours!
MABEL: Take heart, fair days will shine;
Take any heart--take mine!
GIRLS: Take heart; no danger low'rs;
Take any heart-but ours!
MABEL: Take heart, fair days will shine;
Take any heart--take mine!
Poor wand'ring one!, etc.
(MABEL and FREDERIC go to mouth of cave and converse. EDITH
beckons her sisters, who form a semicircle around her.)
EDITH
What ought we to do,
Gentle sisters, say?
Propriety, we know,
Says we ought to stay;
While sympathy exclaims,
"Free them from your tether--
Play at other games--
Leave them here together."
KATE
Her case may, any day,
Be yours, my dear, or mine.
Let her make her hay
While the sun doth shine.
Let us compromise
(Our hearts are not of leather):
Let us shut our eyes
And talk about the weather.
GIRLS: Yes, yes, let's talk about the weather.
Chattering chorus
How beautifully blue the sky,
The glass is rising very high,
Continue fine I hope it may,
And yet it rained but yesterday.
To-morrow it may pour again
(I hear the country wants some rain),
Yet people say, I know not why,
That we shall have a warm July.
To-morrow it may pour again
(I hear the country wants some rain),
Yet people say, I know not why,
That we shall have a warm July.
Enter MABEL and FREDERIC
.During MABEL's solo the GIRLS continue chatter pianissimo, but
listening eagerly all the time.
SOLO--MABEL
Did ever maiden wake
From dream of homely duty,
To find her daylight break
With such exceeding beauty?
Did ever maiden close
Her eyes on waking sadness,
To dream of such exceeding gladness?
FREDERIC: Ah, yes! ah, yes! this is exceeding gladness
GIRLS: How beautifully blue the sky, etc.
SOLO--FREDERIC
.During this, GIRLS continue their chatter pianissimo as before,
but listening intently all the time.
Did ever pirate roll
His soul in guilty dreaming,
And wake to find that soul
With peace and virtue beaming?
ENSEMBLE
FREDERIC MABEL GIRLS
Did ever pirate Did ever maiden wake How beautifully blue
loathed From dream of homely the sky, etc.
Forsake his hideous duty,
mission To find her daylight
To find himself break
betrothed With such exceeding
To lady of position? beauty?
RECIT--FREDERIC
Stay, we must not lose our senses;
Men who stick at no offences
Will anon be here!
Piracy their dreadful trade is;
Pray you, get you hence, young ladies,
While the coast is clear
(FREDERIC and MABEL retire)
GIRLS: No, we must not lose our senses,
If they stick at no offences
We should not be here!
Piracy their dreadful trade is--
Nice companions for young ladies!
Let us disap--.
(During this chorus the PIRATES have entered stealthily, and
formed in a semicircle behind the GIRLS. As the GIRLS move
to go off, each PIRATE seizes a GIRL. KING seizes EDITH and
ISABEL, SAMUEL seizes KATE.)
GIRLS: Too late!
PIRATES: Ha, ha!
GIRLS: Too late!
PIRATES: Ho, ho!
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
ENSEMBLE
(Pirates pass in front of (Girls pass in front of
Girls.) Pirates.)
PIRATES GIRLS
Here's a first-rate opportunity We have missed our opportunity
To get married with impunity, Of escaping with impunity;
And indulge in the felicity So farewell to the felicity
Of unbounded domesticity. Of our maiden domesticity!
You shall quickly be We shall quickly be
parsonified, parsonified,
Conjugally matrimonified, Conjugally matrimonified,
By a doctor of divinity By a doctor of divinity,
Who is located in this Who is located in this
vicinity. vicinity.
By a doctor of divinity, By a doctor of divinity,
Who resides in this vicinity, Who resides in this vicinity,
By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor By a doctor, a doctor, a doctor
of divinity, of divinity. of divinity, of divinity.
RECIT
MABEL: (coming forward) Hold, monsters! Ere your pirate
caravanserai
Proceed, against our will, to wed us all,
Just bear in mind that we are Wards in Chancery,
And father is a Major-General!
SAMUEL: (cowed) We'd better pause, or danger may befall,
Their father is a Major-General.
GIRLS: Yes, yes; he is a Major-General!
(The MAJOR-GENERAL has entered unnoticed, on the rock)
GENERAL: Yes, yes, I am a Major-General!
SAMUEL: For he is a Major-General!
ALL: He is! Hurrah for the Major-General!
GENERAL: And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Major-General!
ALL: It is! Hurrah for the Major-General!
Hurrah for the Major-General!
SONG--MAJOR-GENERAL
I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights
historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters
mathematical,
I understand equations, both the simple and
quadratical,
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts about the square of the
hypotenuse.
ALL: With many cheerful facts, etc.
GENERAL: I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
GENERAL: I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir
Caradoc's;
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for
paradox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus,
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous;
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and
Zoffanies,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of
Aristophanes!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's
din afore,
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense
Pinafore.
ALL: And whistle all the airs, etc.
GENERAL: Then I can write a washing bill in
Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
GENERAL: In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and
"ravelin",
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a javelin,
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more
wary at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by
"commissariat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in
modern gunnery,
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery-
-
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee.
ALL: You'll say a better Major-General, etc.
GENERAL: For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and
adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the
century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
ALL: But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.
GENERAL: And now that I've introduced myself, I should like to
have some idea of what's going on.
KATE: Oh, Papa-- we---
SAMUEL: Permit me, I'll explain in two words: we propose to
marry your daughters.
GENERAL: Dear me!
GIRLS: Against our wills, Papa--against our wills!
GENERAL: Oh, but you mustn't do that! May I ask-- this is a
picturesque uniform, but I'm not familiar with it.
What are you?
KING: We are all single gentlemen.
GENERAL: Yes, I gathered that. Anything else?
KING: No, nothing else.
EDITH: Papa, don't believe them; they are pirates-- the
famous Pirates of Penzance!
GENERAL: The Pirates of Penzance! I have often heard of them.
MABEL: All except this gentleman (indicating FREDERIC), who
was a pirate once, but who is out of his indentures to-
day, and who means to lead a blameless life evermore.
GENERAL: But wait a bit. I object to pirates as sons-in-law.
KING: We object to major-generals as fathers-in-law. But we
waive that point. We do not press it. We look over it.
GENERAL: (aside) Hah! an idea! (aloud) And do you mean to say
that you would deliberately rob me of these, the sole
remaining props of my old age, and leave me to go
through the remainder of my life unfriended,
unprotected, and alone?
KING: Well, yes, that's the idea.
GENERAL: Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an
orphan?
PIRATES: (disgusted) Oh, dash it all!
KING: Here we are again!
GENERAL: I ask you, have you ever known what it is to be an
orphan?
KING: Often!
GENERAL: Yes, orphan. Have you ever known what it is to be one?
KING: I say, often.
ALL: (disgusted) Often, often, often. (Turning away)
GENERAL: I don't think we quite understand one another. I ask
you, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan,
and you say "orphan". As I understand you, you are
merely repeating the word "orphan" to show that you
understand me.
KING: I didn't repeat the word often.
GENERAL: Pardon me, you did indeed.
KING: I only repeated it once.
GENERAL: True, but you repeated it.
KING: But not often.
GENERAL: Stop! I think I see where we are getting confused.
When you said "orphan", did you mean "orphan",a person
who has lost his parents, or "often", frequently?
KING: Ah! I beg pardon-- I see what you mean -- frequently.
GENERAL: Ah! you said "often", frequently.
KING: No, only once.
GENERAL: (irritated) Exactly-- you said "often", frequently,
only once.
FINALE OF ACT I
GENERAL: Oh, men of dark and dismal fate,
Forgo your cruel employ,
Have pity on my lonely state,
I am an orphan boy!
KING/SAMUEL: An orphan boy?
GENERAL: An orphan boy!
PIRATES: How sad, an orphan boy.
GENERAL: These children whom you see
Are all that I can call my own!
PIRATES: Poor fellow!
GENERAL: Take them away from me,
And I shall be indeed alone.
PIRATES: Poor fellow!
GENERAL: If pity you can feel,
Leave me my sole remaining joy--
See, at your feet they kneel;
Your hearts you cannot steel
Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
PIRATES: (sobbing) Poor fellow!
See at our feet they kneel;
Our hearts we cannot steel
Against the sad, sad tale of the lonely orphan boy!
SAMUEL: The orphan boy!
add KING: The orphan boy!
See at our feet they kneel;
Our hearts we cannot steel
Against the tale of the lonely orphan boy!
PIRATES: Poor fellow!
ENSEMBLE
GENERAL (aside) GIRLS (aside) PIRATES
(aside)
I'm telling a terrible He is telling a terrible If he's telling
a
story story, terrible
story
But it doesn't diminish Which will tend to He shall die by
a death
my glory; diminish his that is gory
For they would have glory; Yes, one of the
taken my daughters Though they would have cruellest
Over the billowy waters, taken his slaughters
daughters That ever were
known in
Over the billowy waters, these
waters;
If I hadn't, in elegant It is easy, in elegant It is easy, in
elegant
diction, diction. diction,
Indulged in an innocent To call it an innocent To call it an
innocent
fiction, fiction, fiction
Which is not in the same But it comes in the same But it comes in
the same
category category category
As a regular terrible As telling a regular As telling a
regular
story. terrible story. terrible
story.
KING: Although our dark career
Sometimes involves the crime of stealing,
We rather think that we're
Not altogether void of feeling.
Although we live by strife,
We're always sorry to begin it,
For what, we ask, is life
Without a touch of Poetry in it?
(all kneel)
ALL: Hail, Poetry, thou heav'n-born maid!
Thou gildest e'en the pirate's trade.
Hail, flowing fount of sentiment!
All hail, all hail, divine emollient!
(all rise)
KING: You may go, for you're at liberty, our pirate rules
protect you,
And honorary members of our band we do elect you!
SAMUEL: For he is an orphan boy!
CHORUS: He is! Hurrah for the orphan boy!
GENERAL: And it sometimes is a useful thing
To be an orphan boy.
CHORUS: It is! Hurrah for the orphan boy!
Hurrah for the orphan boy!
ENSEMBLE: Oh, happy day, with joyous glee
They will away and married be!
Should it befall auspiciously,
Her (Our) sisters all will bridesmaids be!
(RUTH enters and comes down to FREDERIC)
RUTH: Oh, master, hear one word, I do implore you!
Remember Ruth, your Ruth, who kneels before you!
PIRATES: Yes, yes, remember Ruth, who kneels before you!
FREDERIC: Away, you did deceive me!
PIRATES: (Threatening RUTH) Away, you did deceive him!
RUTH: Oh, do not leave me!
PIRATES: Oh, do not leave her!
FREDERIC: Away, you grieve me!
PIRATES: Away, you grieve him!
FREDERIC: I wish you'd leave me! (FREDERIC casts RUTH from him)
PIRATES: We wish you'd leave him!
ENSEMBLE
MEN WOMEN
Pray observe the magnanimity Pray observe the magnanimity
We display to lace and dimity! They display to lace and
dimity!
Never was such opportunity Never was such opportunity
To get married with impunity, To get married with impunity,
But we give up the felicity But they give up the felicity
Of unbounded domesticity, Of unbounded domesticity,
Though a doctor of divinity Though a doctor of divinity
Is located in this vicinity. Is located in this vicinity.
(GIRLS and MAJOR-GENERAL go up rocks, while PIRATES indulge in a
wild dance of delight on stage. The MAJOR-GENERAL produces
a British flag, and the PIRATE KING, in arched rock,
produces a black flag with skull and crossbones. Enter
RUTH, who makes a final appeal to FREDERIC, who casts her
from him.)
END OF ACT I
ACT II
(Scene.-A ruined chapel by moonlight. Aisles C., R. and L.,
divided by pillars and arches, ruined Gothic windows at
back. MAJOR-GENERAL STANLEY discovered seated R.C.
pensively, surrounded by his daughters.)
CHORUS
Oh, dry the glist'ning tear
That dews that martial cheek,
Thy loving children hear,
In them thy comfort seek.
With sympathetic care
Their arms around thee creep,
For oh, they cannot bear
To see their father weep!
(Enter MABEL)
SOLO--MABEL
Dear father, why leave your bed
At this untimely hour,
When happy daylight is dead,
And darksome dangers low'r?
See, heav'n has lit her lamp,
The midnight hour is past,
And the chilly night-air is damp,
And the dews are falling fast!
Dear father, why leave your bed
When happy daylight is dead?
GIRLS: Oh, dry the glist'ning tear, etc.
(FREDERIC enters)
MABEL: Oh, Frederic, cannot you, in the calm excellence of
your wisdom, reconcile it with your conscience to say
something that will relieve my father's sorrow?
FREDERIC: I will try, dear Mabel. But why does he sit, night
after night, in this draughty old ruin?
GENERAL: Why do I sit here? To escape from the pirates'
clutches, I described myself as an orphan; and, heaven
help me, I am no orphan! I come here to humble myself
before the tombs of my ancestors, and to implore their
pardon for having brought dishonour on the family
escutcheon.
FREDERIC: But you forget, sir, you only bought the property a
year ago, and the stucco on your baronial castle is
scarcely dry.
GENERAL: Frederic, in this chapel are ancestors: you cannot deny
that. With the estate, I bought the chapel and its
contents. I don't know whose ancestors they were, but
I know whose ancestors they are, and I shudder to think
that their descendant by purchase (if I may so describe
myself) should have brought disgrace upon what, I have
no doubt, was an unstained escutcheon.
FREDERIC: Be comforted. Had you not acted as you did, these
reckless men would assuredly have called in the nearest
clergyman, and have married your large family on the
spot.
GENERAL: I thank you for your proffered solace, but it is
unavailing. I assure you, Frederic, that such is the
anguish and remorse I feel at the abominable falsehood
by which I escaped these easily deluded pirates, that I
would go to their simple-minded chief this very night
and confess all, did I not fear that the consequences
would be most disastrous to myself. At what time does
your expedition march against these scoundrels?
FREDERIC: At eleven, and before midnight I hope to have atoned
for my involuntary association with the pestilent
scourges by sweeping them from the face of the earth--
and then, dear Mabel, you will be mine!
GENERAL: Are your devoted followers at hand?
FREDERIC: They are, they only wait my orders.
RECIT--GENERAL
Then, Frederic, let your escort lion-hearted
Be summoned to receive a gen'ral's blessing,
Ere they depart upon their dread adventure.
FREDERIC: Dear, sir, they come.
(Enter POLICE, marching in single file. They form in line, facing
audience.)
SONG--SERGEANT
When the foeman bares his steel,
Tarantara! tarantara!
We uncomfortable feel,
Tarantara!
And we find the wisest thing,
Tarantara! tarantara!
Is to slap our chests and sing,
Tarantara!
For when threatened with -meutes,
Tarantara! tarantara!
And your heart is in your boots,
Tarantara!
There is nothing brings it round
Like the trumpet's martial sound,
Like the trumpet's martial sound
Tarantara! tarantara!, etc.
MABEL: Go, ye heroes, go to glory,
Though you die in combat gory,
Ye shall live in song and story.
Go to immortality!
Go to death, and go to slaughter;
Die, and every Cornish daughter
With her tears your grave shall water.
Go, ye heroes, go and die!
GIRLS: Go, ye heroes, go and die! Go, ye heroes, go and die!
POLICE: Though to us it's evident,
Tarantara! tarantara!
These attentions are well meant,
Tarantara!
Such expressions don't appear,
Tarantara! tarantara!
Calculated men to cheer
Tarantara!
Who are going to meet their fate
In a highly nervous state.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!
Still to us it's evident
These attentions are well meant.
Tarantara! tarantara! tarantara!
EDITH: Go and do your best endeavour,
And before all links we sever,
We will say farewell for-ever.
Go to glory and the grave!
GIRLS: For your foes are fierce and ruthless,
False, unmerciful, and truthless;
Young and tender, old and toothless,
All in vain their mercy crave.
SERGEANT: We observe too great a stress,
On the risks that on us press,
And of reference a lack
To our chance of coming back.
Still, perhaps it would be wise
Not to carp or criticise,
For it's very evident
These attentions are well meant.
POLICE: Yes, it's very evident
These attentions are well meant,
Evident, yes, well meant, evident
Ah, yes, well meant!
ENSEMBLE
Chorus of all but Police Chorus of Police
Go and do your best endeavour, Such expressions don't
appear,
And before all links we sever Tarantara,
tarantara!
We will say farewell for ever. Calculated men to cheer,
Go to glory and the grave! Tarantara!
For your foes and fierce and Who are going to their fate,
ruthless, Tarantara,
tarantara!
False, unmerciful, and In a highly nervous state--
truthless. Tarantara!
Young and tender, old and We observe too great a
stress,
toothless, Tarantara,
tarantara!
All in vain their mercy crave. On the risks that on us
press,
Tarantara!
And of reference a lack,
Tarantara,
tarantara!
To our chance of coming back,
Tarantara!
GENERAL: Away, away!
POLICE: (without moving) Yes, yes, we go.
GENERAL: These pirates slay.
POLICE: Tarantara!
GENERAL: Then do not stay.
POLICE: Tarantara!
GENERAL: Then why this delay?
POLICE: All right, we go.
ALL: Yes, forward on the foe!
Yes, forward on the foe!
GENERAL: Yes, but you don't go!
POLICE: We go, we go
ALL: Yes, forward on the foe!
Yes, forward on the foe!
GENERAL: Yes, but you don't go!
POLICE: We go, we go
ALL: At last they go!
At last they really go!
(Exeunt POLICE. MABEL tears herself from FREDERIC and exits,
followed by her sisters, consoling her. The MAJOR-GENERAL
and others follow the POLICE off. FREDERIC remains alone.)
RECIT-FREDERIC
Now for the pirates' lair! Oh, joy unbounded!
Oh, sweet relief! Oh, rapture unexampled!
At last I may atone, in some slight measure,
For the repeated acts of theft and pillage
Which, at a sense of duty's stern dictation,
I, circumstance's victim, have been guilty!
(PIRATE KING and RUTH appear at the window, armed.)
KING: Young Frederic! (Covering him with pistol)
FREDERIC: Who calls?
KING: Your late commander!
RUTH: And I, your little Ruth! (Covering him with pistol)
FREDERIC: Oh, mad intruders,
How dare ye face me? Know ye not, oh rash ones,
That I have doomed you to extermination?
(KING and RUTH hold a pistol to each ear)
KING: Have mercy on us! hear us, ere you slaughter!
FREDERIC: I do not think I ought to listen to you.
Yet, mercy should alloy our stern resentment,
And so I will be merciful-- say on!
TRIO--RUTH, KING, and FREDERIC
RUTH: When you had left our pirate fold,
We tried to raise our spirits faint,
According to our custom old,
With quips and quibbles quaint.
But all in vain the quips we heard,
We lay and sobbed upon the rocks,
Until to somebody occurred
A startling paradox.
FREDERIC: A paradox?
KING: (laughing) A paradox!
RUTH: A most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat this paradox!
A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! ha! ha!
KING: We knew your taste for curious quips,
For cranks and contradictions queer;
And with the laughter on our lips,
We wished you there to hear.
We said, "If we could tell it him,
How Frederic would the joke enjoy!"
And so we've risked both life and limb
To tell it to our boy.
FREDERIC: (interested). That paradox? That paradox?
KING and RUTH: (laughing) That most ingenious paradox!
We've quips and quibbles heard in flocks,
But none to beat this paradox!
A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! Ho! ho! ho! ho!
CHANT--KING
For some ridiculous reason, to which, however, I've no desire to
be disloyal,
Some person in authority, I don't know who, very likely the
Astronomer Royal,
Has decided that, although for such a beastly month as February,
twenty-eight days as a rule are plenty,
One year in every four his days shall be reckoned as nine and-
twenty.
Through some singular coincidence-- I shouldn't be surprised if
it were owing to the agency of an ill-natured fairy--
You are the victim of this clumsy arrangement, having been born
in leap-year, on the twenty-ninth of February;
And so, by a simple arithmetical process, you'll easily discover,
That though you've lived twenty-one years, yet, if we go by
birthdays, you're only five and a little bit over!
RUTH: Ha! ha! ha! ha!
KING: Ho! ho! ho! ho!
FREDERIC: Dear me!
Let's see! (counting on fingers)
Yes, yes; with yours my figures do agree!
ALL: Ha! ha! ha! ho! ho! ho! ho!
FREDERIC: (more amused than any) How quaint the ways of Paradox!
At common sense she gaily mocks!
Though counting in the usual way,
Years twenty-one I've been alive,
Yet, reck'ning by my natal day,
Yet, reck'ning by my natal day,
I am a little boy of five!
RUTH/KING: He is a little boy of five!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
ALL: A paradox, a paradox,
A most ingenious paradox!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! , etc.
(RUTH and KING throw themselves back on seats, exhausted with
laughter)
FREDERIC: Upon my word, this is most curious-- most absurdly
whimsical. Five-and-a-quarter! No one would think it
to look at me!
RUTH: You are glad now, I'll be bound, that you spared us.
You would never have forgiven yourself when you
discovered that you had killed two of your comrades.
FREDERIC: My comrades?
KING: (rises) I'm afraid you don't appreciate the delicacy
of your position: You were apprenticed to us--
FREDERIC: Until I reached my twenty-first year.
KING: No, until you reached your twenty-first birthday
(producing document), and, going by birthdays, you are
as yet only five-and-a-quarter.
FREDERIC: You don't mean to say you are going to hold me to that?
KING: No, we merely remind you of the fact, and leave the
rest to your sense of duty.
RUTH: Your sense of duty!
FREDERIC: (wildly) Don't put it on that footing! As I was
merciful to you just now, be merciful to me! I implore
you not to insist on the letter of your bond just as
the cup of happiness is at my lips!
RUTH: We insist on nothing; we content ourselves with
pointing out to you your duty.
KING: Your duty!
FREDERIC: (after a pause) Well, you have appealed to my sense of
duty, and my duty is only too clear. I abhor your
infamous calling; I shudder at the thought that I have
ever been mixed up with it; but duty is before all --
at any price I will do my duty.
KING: Bravely spoken! Come, you are one of us once more.
FREDERIC: Lead on, I follow. (Suddenly) Oh, horror!
KING/RUTH: What is the matter?
FREDERIC: Ought I to tell you? No, no, I cannot do it; and yet,
as one of your band--
KING: Speak out, I charge you by that sense of
conscientiousness to which we have never yet appealed
in vain.
FREDERIC: General Stanley, the father of my Mabel--
KING/RUTH: Yes, yes!
FREDERIC: He escaped from you on the plea that he was an orphan?
KING: He did.
FREDERIC: It breaks my heart to betray the honoured father of the
girl I adore, but as your apprentice I have no
alternative. It is my duty to tell you that General
Stanley is no orphan!
KING/RUTH: What!
FREDERIC: More than that, he never was one!
KING: Am I to understand that, to save his contemptible life,
he dared to practice on our credulous simplicity?
(FREDERIC nods as he weeps) Our revenge shall be swift
and terrible. We will go and collect our band and
attack Tremorden Castle this very night.
FREDERIC: But stay--
KING: Not a word! He is doomed!
TRIO
KING and RUTH: FREDERIC
Away, away! my heart's on fire; Away, away! ere I expire--
I burn, this base deception to I find my duty hard to
do to-
repay. day!
This very night my vengeance dire My heart is filled with
anguish dire,
Shall glut itself in gore. It strikes me to the
core.
Away, away! Away, away!
KING: With falsehood foul
He tricked us of our brides.
Let vengeance howl;
The Pirate so decides.
Our nature st